The New Holidays Are Here

So, it's been a long time since I've made a real post to this blog, and because we are nearing the holidays, I figured that I'd throw my dogs and ladies a bone. This is the Jack Dalton's Holiday Special! If you are reading, stop now, throw some spike in that eggnog and chug on, because it's the most wonderful time of the year.

Jack Dalton is going to be a bit of a ghost of Christmas past for a minute, to remind everyone of how far we have come as a society. The holidays in the 80's, 90's, and 00's were sadly plagued by many things, some even deadly, one of which occurred on the darkest day of the year, Black Friday. Black Friday used to be a day of reckoning, one which was filled with angry hockey dads ripping each other's throats out over Tickle-Me Elmo's. I used the word deadly before because if everyone remembers correctly, some pregnant lady lost her baby because she was trampled in a Walmart line, among other deaths over the years. Now, I'm not saying that the violence and rage doesn't still continue (we all saw this lady throw a shitstorm on youtube (if not click and laugh http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PTe5ARAkPU )), but we can all agree that it is happening at a less alarming rate. We can all thank the stores for staying open longer, extending the amount of sale days, and of course the online shopping deals as well. These key factors have diminished the number of crazies that continue the rage after scarfing their turkeys.

Another bright side to the holidays of this new modern world is the less frequent Toy of the Year type things. I refer back to Tickle-Me Elmo because he was the toy to have. If you were a young child back fifteen years ago and didn't possess a Tickle-Me Elmo, than you were nobody. When it is put like that, it does put more perspective on the fact that children 6 or under do not really know the difference, or what's going on period. In fact, their life up until that point is really a big blur. So for the future, if you become a parent and the toy of the year shit comes back, take a minute and really think about whether or not you want to go fisticuffs over a stuffed animal that you're kid won't even remember existed. But to add to the Toy of the Year tirade, it's nice to see less anticipation and importance of obtaining these things because in the past there would be Christmas Pirates standing in the way of happiness. These Christmas Pirates were usually shitheads without jobs or anything better to do that stood in lines for hours obsessing over getting the Toy of the Year, not to give to their own little Jonnie of Susie, but to sell at ten times the price to parents that would like nothing more than a happy holiday for their child. And because the Christmas Pirates bought all of the must have toys parents would have to pay the next two months of mortgage to make their kid happy and not stand out in school. Since the last ten years or so people have fallen on hard times making their Christmas' already unsatisfactory for the children. The Pirate's weren't making things easier either by essentially holding Christmas and happiness ransom, thus ruining Christmas for all.

I'm not saying these issues are not still happening but the jets have cooled down a bit! Okay, back to Christmas present.

One Thing that I have never liked, even since I was a kid was the Christmas music. I know people have mixed feeling about it. I mean, it's nostalgic, but ultimately these songs are overly repetitive and some are just downright depressing as shit.

Look, Silent Night is just so slow and goddamn holy that it makes me feel like I should be repenting in a church somewhere and not enjoying the holiday cheer. It takes the spike right out of my eggnog, why's it got to do that to me?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is just a pathetic attempt to make all the kids have feeling for the weird kid at school. He's an outcast with that nose and the reindeer won't play with him. But then Rudolf gets in with (the cool kid at school) Santa Clause and then reindeer like him, and then he's special or some shit. Why does a fun song have to be a life lesson? Why couldn't they already have liked Rudolf from beginning to the end? Instead we have to feel bad about the other reindeer not liking him. The song shouldn't have to make us feel bad about Rudolf's situation to make us feel happy in the end.

Frosty the Snowman... I swear this song is about parents not wanting to deal with their crappy kids all day, so they sent the kids out to play in the snow so they wouldn't have to be a parent for the day. And poor Frosty the Snowman, I mean, his life in itself is miserable. He's created with no input of his own, he's dressed in a ridiculous hat and corncob pipe with a carrot nose and charcoaled face. On top of how stupid he looks, he has to baby sit everyone's children all day long and eventually nobody cares about him and he dies. What a life.

Amongst the classics of Christmas songs are the remakes that the pop singers try to put out. I try my hardest and can only find room for two songs in this genre that don't make me want to throw up, the Mariah Carey one and the Christina Aguilera one. But even those get on my nerves after a while. I don't want to hear Irish pop Christmas songs or some greasy R&B dude passionately singing about Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Gross.

While on the topic of holiday songs, I did hear this song in the car the other day, and had to laugh. It was a bit over the edge. It was by Sarah Silverman, love her or hate her, she made me laugh. Had I known it was her I probably wouldn't have thought it was funny, but she tricked me. click and laugh http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gRGMOhslq0

But, what about holiday movies? These movies are all-together on a different level than Christmas music. The worst Christmas movie is like two times better than the best Christmas song, even if Tim Allen is the star of the movie. I wonder when his next Christmas movie is coming out... anyway here are some classic titles that should be on your TV
1. A Christmas Story - everyone seems to like it more the older they and the movie become. It's dark and real: Tongues on poles (don't get the wrong idea), eyes getting shot out, and that creepy dad with the leg lamp. That is Christmas is America.
2. Jingle All the Way - Arnold Schwarzenegger punches a deer unconscious in this toy of the year movie. Arnold is awesome.
3. Nightmare Before Christmas - for the Tim Burton mall goths
4. Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966) - Classic. Grab a can of who-hash and enjoy
5. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - Chevy Chase always delivers
6. Home Alone - Swinging paint cans hitting burglars in the face doesn't get old.
7. Love Actually - for the love sappy
8. Elf - Will Ferrell


So, here is a quick list of positive things about Christmas to boost the holiday jeer.

1. Candy Canes - Does your uncle have horrible whiskey breath and a knack for telling you secrets when he's drunk? Give him a candy cane.

2. Mistle Toe - It's worth a shot, right?

3. Pine Trees / Wreathes - The fresh pine smell adds to the mix of the season. It's a bonus.

4. Giving Good Gifts - Receiving gifts is cool too, but giving good gifts will make you a legend, and legends never die.

5. Secret Santa's - When it is a total mystery of who you have to buy for and you don't know who has to buy for you, then it is in full effect. Otherwise it becomes work. But ultimately, it is a great money saver.

6. The better mood everyone seems to be in. It's contagious. Getting cut-off on your ride to work is less stress inducing, door-holding is at the height of it's yearly popularity, lots of things are better when you are already in a good mood.

7. The Holiday Parties - Christmas Eve and Day tend to be filled with food and desserts for everyone's enjoyment. Unlike other random gatherings, you don't have to pretend someone made great cookies and that it is something special about their recipe that makes you want to keep eating them. Everyone is usually getting down and eating so much that it becomes one big blur of food intake. Everyone is doing it, and everyone gains a couple of holiday pounds together making it okay.

These are just some of the great things about the holidays. If I made a complete list it would have to be it's own blog entry... So we are moving on.

Now, it's time to talk about something that a lot of people tend to do, which is re-gifting. I have personally never done it, I am too afraid that I'll get caught and be a Christmas embarrassment, but, I'm sure it can be done. If you receive an unwanted gift from one set of friends, you can go and re-gift it to another person in another set of friends. Just make sure the person you are re-gifting to doesn't know the other person. And make sure that these two people don't exclusively know you, meaning you are their only connection to each other. If so, what you gave and received from them may come up since talking about you is the only thing they can do when they see each other. And never, ever, ever, re-gift back to the same person, even if it is one or two years later. People don't forget!

So, we've covered shopping, Black Friday, gifting, holiday music and movies, and some of the better things the holiday season has to offer. Now, go enjoy.