Day 11 - A picture of a cherished memory

Looks who is back! I'm in the house like furniture! For now... until I forget to keep doing this, or stop...

I've been mad busy. That's the reality of life, which explains the sporadic nature of my posts. This one will be short.

Day 11 - A picture of a cherished memory



It's by miracle on ice that this picture still even exists. In this photograph, (wait grampa, what's a photograph? Well, a photograph is when you are really hungry and don't want to spoil your dinner so you eat a light snack. Really? No. It's a desert from Germany... anyway) are a good amount of some of my closest friends from when I was 15 and they are all still great friends of mine. This picture was taken on Nantucket during the summer.

The back-story is that I used to work as a caddy on Nantucket during the summers for some old WASPS, and one summer and these characters came to visit me. Although I warned them that they should seek a hotel and somewhere to sleep, they showed up with a tent and planned on just sleeping in there, which would have been just fine, but the night they came over from the boat, instead of setting up their tent, we got really drunk and it was too dark to actually make that happen. They ended up sleeping on the ground, in puddles, using the tent as a blanket.

It was high school and we were all tight and we are fairly still close. It was great that these guys came out with little to no plans, weathering the weather, and still having a great time. It remains one of my favorite times in my life because we were just so confidently against the grain and still can all relate that way. The best part of looking back at a great memory with fondness as such is that we are those people, then and now and eventually. I'd go back to do it over again if I couldn't tomorrow. Thanks guys.

How's that for a cherished memory?
Did I touch you all over? and over again?

Till the light closes in,
Jack

Day 10 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.

It's two days after christmas. Let the "after the holiday" depression set in. Nope. You still have New Year's Eve and day to look forward to. I bet you read that and thought "oh, you know what? you're right. I do feel less happy after the holidays" and felt a little blue, but then I reminded you that there was New Year's to look forward to. And now you are excited. Very excited. Maybe you'll kiss someone on the mouth while the ball drops and you'll feel extra tingly or whatever. Oh, shut up. The idea of that made you feel good.

Okay, I went from doing this every day to a few times per week to whenever I feel like it. So much for a 30 day challenge of writing. I've been writing other things, so I've been busy. Okay, on with it.

Day 10 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.

I've got a whole list of places that I'd like to visit, for specific reasons. I can't really imagine moving anywhere, it seems to permanent. I might have to learn a language or change my whole life just to exist somewhere that is different from here. It seems like a lot of work for the same place with a different view. That's why you visit and don't move. Okay, sit back and read my shitty opinions.

1. Belgium - Seems a bit under the radar, You probably won't be bumping into tourists left and right, you never hear anything bad about the people there. They are not cutting off heads and rolling them down stairs. It seems very quaint. Apparently, they make great chocolate, are known for waffles which are delicious, and make their own style of beer which I enjoy consuming. I feel like I could make myself feel quite at home there. Seems like utopia. Everyone probably wakes up and overloads and indulges in the big three that I just mentioned, go to work, nap, indulge again and call it a day. That's perfect. I've never been there but I feel it in the sole of my shoes that I could probably move there, despite the language and culture barrier.

2. Spain - I took some Spanish in high school and college. It would be fun to put it to the test. The ladies over there seem pretty. The sun shines there too. I've heard that they have some nice beaches and even though I sunburn like a piece of bread in a toaster, I give them a shot. I wouldn't go to a bull fighting match, but I would like to see the running on the bulls, which is a bunch of morons trying to outrun a stampede of bulls. You know a bunch of people are getting banged up and I would enjoy watching that happen.

3. Ireland - It seems like a whole mess of people live there. They have these people called pikes or pikies that are a lot like gypsies. I've seen on youtube that they fight a lot and make videos calling each other out. They are also door to door salesmen of whatever bootleg items they probably stole or bartered. It could be a strange thing to witness. But aside from that, I'd love to golf there in the greenest of green places.

4. Amsterdam - If I'm 40 and I have nothing going on in my life, I'm going there and just getting crazy.

5. Peru/South America in general - I want to see Machu Pichu real bad. It should be on the top of the list actually, but I am too afraid as a young white person to go to south america. I think they would get the idea that I might be worth kidnapping, which I'm not, or just humorously worth killing. People seem to go to those places and just turn up missing. I'm not really into disappearing yet.

Aside from that France can kiss my ass. Asia is weird, I'd need a guide of some sort. Africa could be fun, but again, I'd need a guide. They rest of Europe seems like a blur and smearing of itself which doesn't seem enticing to visit.

Work off those extra LBS that you gained.
Jack

Day 09 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.

Forgot about yesterday and I was tired... I don't need to explain anything to you.

Today is Thursday, December 22nd, 2011. Two days left of Christmas shopping. Get out there bitches.

Day 09 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up. I have a lot of stand-up comedy on here, so I'll do 15 tracks. Most of this stuff, I've never listened to and didn't know existed. If I can, I'll attach some sort of memory with it if such a thing exists. I recently took all my friends illegally downloaded music and put it on my computer so I probably don't know any of it yet.

1. Aziz Ansari - "Sheets" from Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening
Aziz brings attention to the fact that companies that make sheets lie about thread count.

2. Conor Oberst and The Mystic Valley Band - "10 Women" from Outer South
Very mellow.

3. Bill Cosby - "The Difference Between Men and Women" from Bill Cosby is a Very Funny Fellow Right!
Bill Cosby is really old. His comedy, even though it dates back to 20 years ago, is still somewhat relevant. This bit especially. He talks about how women go to the bathroom together but men would never do that. True. It's a weird concept of going to the bathroom together.

4. B.B. King - "Hummingbird" from Why I Sing The Blues
Forgot that I had this. A relaxing tune. Anyone Remember when B.B. King was doing Burger King commercials? What a sellout.

5. Eminem - "Drips" from The Eminem Show
I never listened to this album once. The radio songs "Soldier," "Cleanin out my closet," and "Superman" were on this one. I obviously didn't pay for this cd and more than likely will never listen to it. That aside, this track is about boning dirty whores. I wonder what happened to his daughter Hailie. Bet she's a dirty whore.

6. Bo Burham - "I'm Bo Yo" from Bo Burnham
Clever, young comedian that made it big from youtube. Everyone should check out his stand-up special. Entertaining as fck. With lyrics like "I'm offensive and creative like handicapped porn." and "Haters call me gay, but that ain't hatin'.'Cause im not homophobic, my morals are straight, And if I'm in the closet, then you are below me, Taking the B-A-T out of basement, homey" you are sure to laugh.

7. Blink 182 - "Go" from Blink 182
Never listened to this before. I only listened to the Blink 182 cd that was popular when I was in junior high. Blah.

8. New Found Glory - "It Never Snows In Florida" from Nothing Gold Can Stay
Well, again. Junior high. Kind of embarrassed to have this and Blink 182

9. Johnny Cash - "Where The Soul Of Man Never Dies" from Unearthed disk 4?
His cover of NIN's Hurt is really good. His last cd was super depressing knowing he is dieing.

10. Big D and the Kids Table - "Those Kids Suck" from The Gypsy Hill
This is turning into the ghost of Ross's music past. Early high school? What's up?

11. Incubus - "Under My Umbrella" from Morning View
This is somewhat of an album that has many memories attached to it. When I started my crappy high school band my drummer was a giant Incubus fan at the time and I got into them as well. Great album. Reminds me of summer on Nantucket, the band, and going to see them was my first big concert. I went to see them at Umass Amherst and little did I know, I would spend my undergraduate career there. It was a weird coincidence.

12. Chris Rock - "The Government Hates Rap" from Cheese and Crackers
This is a ridiculously funny stand-up set. He is a master of comedy.

13. Smoke or Fire - "Melatonin" from This Sinking Ship
Recently looked them up after the guy from Smoke or Fire was on a split acoustic album from Brendan from The Lawrence Arms. It's decent.

14. Alkaline Trio - "Your Neck" from Crimson
Good band still. One of the few bands that I still listen to from when I was younger.

15. Muse - "Stockholm Syndrome" from Absolution
Great song. Great cd. Discovered them when I went camping with my friends a few years ago. Was a great time.

That concludes ipod on shuffle. I have to go now because I still have to do Christmas shopping.

Day 8 - Bullet your whole day.

So, basically, if I do this three times a week I'm calling this a success. I am often busy, and more often lazy. That is that.

This one is easy. I've been awake for a while now, so I'll also catalog what I've already done.

Day 8 - Bullet your whole day.

3:30am - Woke up. I went to bed really early yesterday.
4:30 - Had Wheaties
5:00 - Watched a global warming documentary. One of the best I've seen. It's called "Cool It." It shows where our spending on global warming goes and what better ideas are out there to spend the money on.
7:00 - Started writing this
9:00 - Shower
10:00 - Bank
10:30 - Return library book "Four Hour Body." Highly recommend it.
11:00 - Start Christmas shopping
Grab Gift - a $15 item of some sort
Ron - Gift card to Old Navy
Parents - ?
Cousin Nick - ?
2:30pm - Nap
4:30 - Dinner
5:30 - Help mother bake for Christmas
7:30 - Lounge (Maybe blog again)
8:30 - Train
10:00 - Work till 4am? 5? 6? 7?

That's all folks

Day 07 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.

Hey dogfaces, its another post from your favorite coffee enthusiast, Jack Dalton.

This 30 day thing was worst best idea someone else ever gave me. Just saying.

Okay, let's go.

Day 07 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.

Well, this one for, I think a lot of people would mention a milestone in their life. Mainly because I think those milestones indicate a step toward the next level of something. A closing of one chapter in their life and starting a new one, which may mean they stopped wearing diapers and switched to pull-ups or something. So, I think I'll mention one of those and something else as well if I can think of something by the time I finish writing my milestone moment.

For my "moment of feeling satisfied with my life" milestone, I would have to say graduating from college. I know it sounds cliche. I hope everyone imagines a bunch of sweater-vest wearing assholes throwing their caps in the air and giving lots of hugs and smiling, but it was only sort of like that. I didn't see too many sweaters cause it was really hot that day, I actually got a draining sunburn. They were some hugs, okay, a lot of hugs and pictures and shit, but there were very, very, few cap throwings. From what I saw, I think I was the only one. I guess everyone wanted to keep their caps and look into their closets everyday and see that cap sitting there and think "the good ole days" and sigh as they got dressed for their real life jobs. But not I. I frisbee'd that thing as hard as I could. Why would I want to hold onto that crap? So, I unfortunately had to take pictures after hatless and sunburnt.

But to be clear, my real feeling of satisfaction came from when I was a few pages left from finishing my final paper. I happened to finish it early and I still was like F this thing. Who cares, right? This is the last hurdle and it going down. So, I got a big glass of whiskey and just typed away thinking this is DONE. I felt like a straighter version of Leonardo Dicaprio on the Titanic when he yells "I'm king of the world!" Only, I facebook'd "I'm going to Africa to get trampled by raging elephants!" It seemed more fitting. One person actually replied, inquiring if I really was going to Africa. And of course I didn't.

My nonmilestone feeling of satisfaction came from buying my first car with my own money. I say this is a nonmilstone moment, because until that point I was already driving one of the family vehicles when I was allowed to, so it didn't feel like when I got my license which would be a milestone. I was a bastard and insisted on buying a car before the summer and I couldn't drive it that summer because I went away to work. This piece of shit was a Pontiac Trans Am, which are only owned by morons who think they are living in the 80's. And when I got back from the summer, I drove this thing for a couple of weeks feeling like a bad ass. I had my jean jacket on and my candy cigarettes, and my transition lens shades (not actually). This was until the car started sounding like a running lawnmower hacking away at a pile of chains. For a few days, I still drove this thing because I was determined to not let the dream of owning a car die. I'm sure someone can relate with that one.

Day 06- Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality

So, I decided to take the weekend off and it turned into a long weekend. My only excuse was I forgot on Monday and was lazy on Tuesday. Luckily, I don't write anything important on this that people were hanging onto my every last word for. If I was the weatherman, you guys would probably be ripshit by now.

Day 06 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality

I have to address this because last year everyone got their shit in a bunch about this. Anyone remember the fake astrological sign that came out of nowhere? It was called Ophiuchus. Not sure if it was a real or fake but it through everyone's sign off by a few days and everyone was in a panic running to their bomb shelters waiting for the apocalypse. Nobody was sure how to behave anymore because a new sign was thrown in the mix telling them who to be. Does anyone really think that zodiac signs really indicate how a person behaves?

It's a whole bunch of nonsense.

I'm a Sagittarius, according to morons that believe in this hocus pocus. I Wiki'd Sagittarius to get some more wisdom on the subject and have come to reiterate my previous thoughts on the subject, which is this is dumb and wasting my time, but let's plow ahead, shall we? Wiki says, "The sign is governed by Jupiter, a planet which is symbolically associated with temperate qualities which loosen, relax and expand." I wish they would EXPAND on that. A planet of gas that is associated with a few vague terms controls the zodiac sign called Sagittarius. Wow, that was insightful. Do go on. "Sagittarians are reputed to be drawn toward travel (I don't travel. I'm afraid of different cultures) and philosophy (don't really enjoy too much 'by the book' Philosophy. I think it's a battle of the the largest vocabulary, really.), and to enjoy social contacts (I hate people), meeting new people (Especially new people) and exploring other cultures (Again, I'm afraid of different cultures). They are said to be highly intelligent (Correct), broad-visioned (Okay), tolerant in their views (mm hmm), mainly concerned with the "big picture" but with little patience for the details (Now, that's more like it)." How could this be soo wrong, yet, so right at the same time? Could it be that everyone varies just a little from their sign? Am I just a bit off? (Well, probably. I am sitting here writing this aren't I?) Or could it be that they say such vague shit that it applies to everyone? I mean, they were only right when they were telling me what I wanted to hear about myself. Doesn't everyone want to hear that they are intelligent, broad-visioned, tolerant in views, and getting the big picture? Yes, it made me feel like a champion. That's what they'll be saying at my retirement, and God forbid I say funeral. But the first stuff are things that I would wish about myself.

So to answer the question, my zodiac sign fits me when it says things I want to agree with. Ugh. I bet I sound like an angry teenager.

Anyway, zodiac signs are for killers.
That should be on a t-shirt.
J. Dalton

Day 05 - A picture of yourself and 20 interesting facts about yourself

The prompts for this 30 day challenge are exactly what they seem, stupid. I mean clearly this is an exercise for myself. There is nothing to really discuss but if you are reading this, you may want to try this one. I think a lot of people have such a hard time thinking about themselves in this way. I think it can be somewhat of a morale booster for all the kids out there. Some tend not to think of themselves as "interesting," but we all have some things. Other people can probably point these out to you, but to think of them yourself tends to be a bit more difficult. It shouldn't be that way considering nobody knows you better than you, right? Well, this writing is more of a list and self serving, so you can tune in tomorrow, or sit through this gossip girl bullshit. and away we go.

Day 05 - A photo of yourself and 20 interesting facts about yourself



1. Has Lymes Disease
2. Drinks coffee black
3. Worked at a McDonalds, Stop & Shop, Video Craze, two golf courses, Pita Pit, a printing shop, Sephora and public school system (possibly more places that can't be remembered)
4. Left-Handed
5. Ate first hamburger at the age of 18
6. Met Bill Bellicheck (spelling), Conan O'Brien (picture to prove it) and Jack Welch
7. Watched every episode of MacGyver and X-Files
8. Can beat Super Mario Brothers 3 without cheating
9. Once bench pressed 195lbs twice
10. Wore Saucony sneakers since age of 16
11. Got hit by a moving cop car
12. Broke nose in 2nd grade
13. Loves pizza
14. Brews beer
15. Never stole anything
16. Cats hate me
17. Took the last polaroid ever
18. Really good at fooseball
19. Never been in a fight
20. Carry a notebook

Day 04 - Recall a time when you thought of ending your life

Wow. This one is a bummer, right? To be honest, this hasn't happened. At the end of my worst days I remember I still have both arms and legs and a place to sleep. So life isn't that bad, right? Right!

Day 04 - Recall a time when you thought of ending your life

These prompts get more and more personal. Sweet Jesus. I will write about something we all can relate to. You are in class. You may or may not have prepared for it. But, today is the day. You have to give your presentation for the class. You haven't seen any other presentations yet, so you never knew what your competition was up to. To make the situation worse you are not presenting first.
Let me explain why not presenting earlier rather than later is worse. The teacher up until this point has yet to see what other students in your pool of peers have orchestrated for their presentations. And of course the overachievers are going first. They have handouts, a world-class power point presentation in 3D or whatever, an activity for the whole group to learn from, and a speech with no note cards. Their presentation is so damn entertaining that you forget that you have to go up. And once the presentation is over and everyone is finished cheering and throwing bouquets of flowers at the feet of someone that spent too much time researching the history of Mexico, the fear rushes back that at some point you will have to present yourself. And presenting near the end of the class everyone has presented and they are relieved and at ease which means they have a higher ability to pay attention to you when it's your turn. Which brings more pressure.
Then people get picked off one by one as you stare at clock. Presentation after presentation is just one big blur. You can not recall one thing that has been said in the last half hour cause you are fixated on your own impending doom. You are hoping by some miracle there won't be enough time for you to have to go up but know there will be. You are also hoping that somehow the teacher will just forget that you are a person in the class and skip you completely. And then, you think if an anvil was fall on your head, or if an arm fell off that you wouldn't have to do this. You are looking at your note cards with panic, knowing you have forgotten the pathetic 5 minutes of information you stole from Wikipedia. Could life get worse at that point? Anytime that I have to make a presentation is when I've thought of killing myself. It has never been over anything important.

Be safe out there.
Jack

Day 03 - Your views on religion

That last one was kind of serious, especially for a fun subject let's laugh through this one. Wait, it's on religion. Well, at least I am not religious

Day 03 - Your view on religion

(Watch me high school this intro.) Religion, as defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary, is "the service and worship of God or the supernatural." (Okay, I'm done high schooling)That being said, its harmless and okay by me. That is, until people get involved. People are by far the worst thing that ever happened to themselves. Everyone has their two cents about how everyone else should live and they are jamming these ideas down throats like quarters in an arcade game. More often than you think, they derive from religious beliefs. Even our higher ranking members of society, or at least ones that hold the most power, our politicians, stand firmly with their political beliefs - to the point where it impedes their ability to do the right thing for everyone. I'm not sure if that's what they really believe, or they are too afraid to not side with the book of the lord for public image. Like the polls don't speak for themselves.
People involved with religion also have sex with kids, most notably priests. That's the joke and the disgusting truth.
Religious organizations are a burden to the progress and social evolution in the world today. Religions, as an entity oppress the shit out of women, condemn the gays, and segregate the population as a whole. At what point do we say "this shit sucks" and drop our bibles in the dirt? Speaking of bibles, they were written too long ago be be relevant. They along with organized religions had to have been designed to keep people from running a muck. They outline these rules on what to do and what not to do based on some good principles. The parts that don't apply to us now, the way I see it, were set to over compensate for how crazy people were in the year 100 or whatever. Think of it this way (and I'm paraphrasing my good friend Doug Stanhope) if you were to walk into a used book store and stumble upon a bible without anyone knowing of its existence until you picked it up, how long could you read it until you said "this is stupid." And which would be more likely to happen, you stop reading it because of its inapplicable content to daily life, or say "hey, this is what I've been looking for."?
And what about Bob? - I mean God. Look, I do not know if there is a being greater than us, but considering the odds of living in a infinite universe, there may be, whatever it or they may be. I do feel as though there has to be some being greater than us. There has to be because we aren't so great. The only way that I think, and this is after me pacing the earth for 26 years, that we do see the man in the clouds is at death. Like at the end of a puppet show when the puppeteer comes out and we all clap and say "Great job, you creep. Get a real job." I say that in death we would meet this God figure because he certainly does not appear to be present in life. Take a look around. Things ain't so great in the world. Aside from dogs existing, everything needs a fixing.

I don't think I covered everything. But I've gone too far to look back. see you tomorrow, stupidheads.

Look up, and shake your fists (at God... because of famine and Katrina and the next Nicholas Cage movie and the one after that et cetera),
Jack

Day 02 - Your views on drugs and alcohol

Okay, so, today was supposed to be about "where i'd like to be in 10 years" but to avoid such a self-absorbed entry after the previous self-absorbed entry, I'll skip a day and probably go back to it at another time. Talking about myself all of the time can only get so interesting for a blog.

So here goes day 2

Day 02 - Your views on drugs and alcohol
Drugs and alcohol. Alcohol and drugs. Where to begin? This would have been a better discussion for yesterday in celebration for the prohibition repeal, but what's done is done.
Well, speaking generally, drugs can be both good and bad. Some are more dangerous than others, which is an issue, and people are not informed enough about them. So, these factors are contributors to the issues surrounding drugs. Government is not accepting enough to the idea of them, to the point where they do not allow testing of them, and so the population remains ignorant to their capabilities. We live in an uptight, fear motivating country.
I've been listening to the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast and after listening to many discussions on the topics of drugs, I have come to the conclusion that drugs, especially psychedelics, are more often abused because of the lack of knowledge of their effects. What advice could be given to those is to research anything before consumption and respect the process. What would be cool is if there were guides for these experiences much like in south america with ayawaska. It would be much safer, people would learn how much and what to consume and what the effects would be.
Weed is considered an issue by the government but in comparison to something like alcohol, it is significantly less harmful, though alcohol is legal. This is something that the potheads are in a huff about. I get it. I don't smoke weeds, but I would be just as upset is alcohol was illegal and pot was legal. Things are moving in the right direction for those people considering holding weed is now about as wrong as a parking ticket. One thing that I think is holding the US of A back from legalizing the marajawayway is taxation. Since alcohol and tobacco are taxed they are A-okay, even though they can be more addictive and many times over more harmful than weeds.
Alcohol is my only "drug" of choice. Nobody judges the occasional drinkers as much as the other drug users. What I've never understood is the alcoholics. I could never imagine just drinking heavily everyday. Do they not dehydrate? What's the deal? People that smoke weed can do it everyday and function, but drinking everyday? That would be crazy.
So what do we do with the people that are addicted to something like crack or whatever? Is there a cure? Rehab may get them off but they always seem to get back on. They just keep cycling the off and on drug lifestyle. I heard recently, that mushrooms could be used to "reset" the human mind, however I'm not sure if this was a study from years ago. higher yet safe amounts of mushrooms were thought to be used to cure addiction of many kinds. Again, I'm not sure what the details were on that. So don't go taking viscous amounts of shrooms to cure your addiction to Dungeons or Dragons or whatever your problem is. Just saying. Anyway the US restricts testing of these things so we'll never really know.

I need to stop to nap before work. Sorry this couldn't have been funnier. Wait, no I'm not.

Be cool,
Ross

Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is

Okay, So to preface this, the writing you may or may not see for the next 30 days is part of this exercise to get me writing more. Specifically on random (does the fact that I said specific and random so close to each other make any sense?)topics without preparation of any kind to see what happens. For reading pleasure I will try as hard as I can to make a funny or two.

Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is

Day 01 - My current relationship is a lack thereof... with other people that is. I engage in relations with myself a couple times per day. It's a great time. I'm always happy to see me. But seriously, my relationship status is single. It has been that way for a while. It is hard to say whether or not I am single because I suck at talking to women, which I do, or whether or not I'm just terrible at picking up on social cues from women. After typing that I may realize that it is perhaps a combination of both.

When talking to women especially to a new LAIDEE (if you didn't read that as if Jerry Lewis said it, go back and read it again accordingly), I really don't know what to say. I mean, aside from the polite "hello, how are you?" bullshit, I'm not sure what to say. For the most part I'm trying really hard not to say "I want to do you." Mainly because I'm sure that wouldn't work and I'm constantly trying too hard not to come across as a creep. That in itself may be creepy but whatever. So I feel like the less that I say, the better. But, that leaves me to seem uninteresting, which is something to avoid too. Who wants to even know someone that is uninteresting, you know? So aside from the polite "hi and bye" shit, my mind thinks of something Larry Davidesque about the current situation, which ends up being less creepy than "I want to do you" but stranger than nothing at all. An example of a Larry Davidesque comment to be made would be like "Ever notice that no matter how many napkins a restaurant gives you it's never enough?" or some stupid like that. To which there is no reply. It's a time like that I wish I could hear the other person's thoughts. I'm sure they are nothing short of hilarious. I'm also not one to talk about myself really. I think if you are a person that just goes on and on firing off your facecanon about what your favorite thing about yourself is or what you would do with a billion dollars, then you need to cut the ish. Nobody could ever be that interested in what you have to say. So, I avoid being too self absorbed as well.

So getting back on track let's discuss social cues. Touching. I'm not really a touchy type of guy. I enjoy my personal space, especially the elbow room. If anyone is touching me even in the slightest way I find it odd, well unless it's business time. In that case it's awesome and I say bring it on. But outside of that context, I find it off putting. Mainly because like I already said, I like my space, but I also find it a pompous thing to do. Maybe I didn't use the right word there. I don't know perfectly what pompous means, but I think people that just walk up and put an arm around you or grab your arm while telling you a story are taking too much liberty. What makes them think they can go around touching? I think if I ever pulled that I'd be in maced and cuffed in no time at all. Also, general talking. I'm never sure if someone is being polite or if they are actually interested. If a woman that I know gives a cheerful greeting, I'm not sure if it is just politeness or out of interest. Most of the time, I assume its politeness. I try not to make any amount of attention that I get from a LAIDEE (Jerry Lewis style, you should remember this if you are going to be reading other posts) a big deal. I feel like a creep would only do that. Again, avoiding the life of a creep. <--Should be my campaign slogan.

I'm going to throw in that I hardly ever meet anyone new. The pool of women that I know are just people that I know. Since they are who they are, people that I know, (I am Dr. Suess, cats out the bag) they have no longer become an option to pursue, at least that's they way I feel it should be. You can't know someone for years and then all of a sudden "Hey, let's go on a date" (or whatever the kids say these days). And if you meet a LAIDEE from friends I feel like its somewhat of a incestuous pursuit because they are part of the friends group. If I go to a bar, I will more than likely not go up to a LAIDEE (getting tired of this yet?) mainly because I fear the inevitable rejection. I mean, how awesome of an approach could I possibly make? (Revisit my inability to talk to women) There is something not so genuine about approaching a woman at a - anywhere really, location doesn't matter. Let's say for instance there is an attractive LAIDEE in the bar, her friend walks away and so you step up and complement her cowboy boots and matching silly hat, whether or not you are sincere or totally lying, your end game is getting into her cowboy pants (Booya). So, what's the deal? If a LAIDEE is reading this until now, could you please respond with your input on that? Like, I have to imagine, as a LAIDEE, you know all guys want to do you all of the time. So any interaction with a guy is this dance of obsurdity and about hiding the fact the he wants to do sex to you. What's the other side to this?

Have I exhausted all aspects of my singleness? For now, yes. I'd talk about online dating, but I'd be running into my stand up material, and I think it's cheap to force comedic material into conversation or writing. I feel guilty not giving you my all on the first day, but I should pace myself. It's going to be a long month.

So, for now, live slow and die hard.
Ross

Is V is for Responsible too?

This is somewhat of a sensitive subject, so, I have to touch on it. About a month ago we heard in the news of a man that entered a school board meeting and held people hostage, ultimately dieing with what appears to be an attempt to kill others but in the end, only himself. This may be something of a stretch but when I heard the details of this story, the largest school killing spree came to mind, Columbine Massacre. Although, the only thing that appears to be linking the two (Columbine High School Massacre and the Florida School Board Shooting) together is possibly the word "school," I would like to set that aside the locations of the shootings which is completely arbitrary to the connection that I am trying to make. The word school only helped me think of the reason in which I see a connection. It will take a moment to understand, so let me set this up right with a bit of context.

When the shooting at Columbine happened in 1999, out in Colorado, it was the most shocking story since the JonBenet Ramsey bullshit and the everlong OJ Simpson trial. But, here have a couple of pimple-faced nerds planning an ultimate revenge on their peers whom have possibly bullied them or whatever. (What they did was insane and shitty, and I speak for everyone when I say that I hope they are getting constantly raped in hell for it.) Now, the media went crazy with this story. They tried to explain the situation by looking for a reason or cause for it all, when in reality, if you are someone trying to mass murder people there probably isn't much of a reason or a cause other than you are a crazy person - I mean, they certainly weren't defending themselves. But, then came the media saying they were influenced by the music of the dark, eerie, scary, transexual-like Marilyn Manson. Now, Marylin Manson doesn't produce the the kind of tunes that I like to grab and earful of, but clearly the media was shifting the responsibilities of actions of the two turdish high school seniors onto MM. And simply put, "When a dude's gettin bullied and shoots up his school, And they blame it on Marilyn." (Thanks to Eminem, for the clarity of his words) So, this transpired a whole fight against Marilyn Manson and generally any music artist that speaks his/her mind whether or not he/she is fully in their right one (mind, that is), while also bringing up issues over gun control.

So, when I read the papers last month and heard about the ex-convict, whose wife was recently fired, that held a school council board meeting, I was blown away by the details of the account. This man, I don't know his real name and do not feel like looking it up to break my stream of thought here so we'll call him Chucky Cheese, went to the meeting armed with a gun, a bullet proof vest, and a can of spray paint. Yes, a can of spray paint. He used this to draw a big circle on the wall with a equally large "V" inside of it. Chucky Cheese then let a large amount of the innocent go freely while he discusses his wife's loss of a job. The circle with the "V" in it looked very familiar at first and I couldn't quite put my finger on it, until I read about how that symbol was featured in the widely popular movie "V is for Vendetta" which is also a comic book by the way, but anyway. Now, at this point, a feeble, old woman tries to save the day by sneaking through the doorway and swinging her empty purse at the 250lb Chucky Cheese. Seriously, old lady? (That detail has nothing to do with the point of this, but I had to bring up how dumb it was and looked in the video. Fun Fact: she sold the purse on EBAY for $13,000) So the story of Chucky Cheese holding up a school board meeting ends with the firing of his own gun... at himself.

The two Columbine losers only listened to the music of Marilyn Manson, so why was his name all over the news like he possessed the students into mass murder? Why was he to blame for this? It's not like his lyrics described a situation like this and tempted people to go out and do it. Now, going back to Chucky Cheese at the school board, who was obsessed with V is For Vendetta. Why wasn't this movie or the filmmakers to blame for this incident? The guy spray painted the V sign on the wall and was clearly influenced by the movie to some degree. I'm not saying this movie should be on trial for the incident or even blamed in any way, but I think this goes further into something else. We have Marilyn Manson, a guy people were just waiting to have a reason to chew out and "V is for Vendetta" an internationally recognized comic and film that moved the hearts of many. The difference I believe I see here is that the movie V is something the people like and so the people will protect it and say "Well, Chucky Cheese was just a bad guy." But, what about the Columbine clowns, were they good guys that were turned to the darkside by the maniacally-evil Mr. Manson? I say, no and that they were even more kicked in the head than Mr. School Board Cheese. Chucky missed a shot at point blank. You don't miss that shot unless you want to.

By now, the point is hard to see, but, I feel as though the media is playing favoritism with the arts here. "V is for Vendetta" walks freely while Marilyn got reamed. Now, again, I'm not saying either movie or music should be blamed for these incidents other than the two kids and Chucky Cheese. Ultimately, they were the ones committing the acts, but there is a distinction I would like to make and that is V is for Vendetta was clearly more of an influence than Marilyn Manson in these two instances.

However, Marilyn Manson and "V is for Vendetta" are not on trial here, only the absent-minded media.

Bonus: Check out what Marilyn Manson had to say about the Columbine Massacre in the only documentary Michael Moore made that was worth seeing "Bowling For Columbine"
( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrHFB2KP8fc )

The New Holidays Are Here

So, it's been a long time since I've made a real post to this blog, and because we are nearing the holidays, I figured that I'd throw my dogs and ladies a bone. This is the Jack Dalton's Holiday Special! If you are reading, stop now, throw some spike in that eggnog and chug on, because it's the most wonderful time of the year.

Jack Dalton is going to be a bit of a ghost of Christmas past for a minute, to remind everyone of how far we have come as a society. The holidays in the 80's, 90's, and 00's were sadly plagued by many things, some even deadly, one of which occurred on the darkest day of the year, Black Friday. Black Friday used to be a day of reckoning, one which was filled with angry hockey dads ripping each other's throats out over Tickle-Me Elmo's. I used the word deadly before because if everyone remembers correctly, some pregnant lady lost her baby because she was trampled in a Walmart line, among other deaths over the years. Now, I'm not saying that the violence and rage doesn't still continue (we all saw this lady throw a shitstorm on youtube (if not click and laugh http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PTe5ARAkPU )), but we can all agree that it is happening at a less alarming rate. We can all thank the stores for staying open longer, extending the amount of sale days, and of course the online shopping deals as well. These key factors have diminished the number of crazies that continue the rage after scarfing their turkeys.

Another bright side to the holidays of this new modern world is the less frequent Toy of the Year type things. I refer back to Tickle-Me Elmo because he was the toy to have. If you were a young child back fifteen years ago and didn't possess a Tickle-Me Elmo, than you were nobody. When it is put like that, it does put more perspective on the fact that children 6 or under do not really know the difference, or what's going on period. In fact, their life up until that point is really a big blur. So for the future, if you become a parent and the toy of the year shit comes back, take a minute and really think about whether or not you want to go fisticuffs over a stuffed animal that you're kid won't even remember existed. But to add to the Toy of the Year tirade, it's nice to see less anticipation and importance of obtaining these things because in the past there would be Christmas Pirates standing in the way of happiness. These Christmas Pirates were usually shitheads without jobs or anything better to do that stood in lines for hours obsessing over getting the Toy of the Year, not to give to their own little Jonnie of Susie, but to sell at ten times the price to parents that would like nothing more than a happy holiday for their child. And because the Christmas Pirates bought all of the must have toys parents would have to pay the next two months of mortgage to make their kid happy and not stand out in school. Since the last ten years or so people have fallen on hard times making their Christmas' already unsatisfactory for the children. The Pirate's weren't making things easier either by essentially holding Christmas and happiness ransom, thus ruining Christmas for all.

I'm not saying these issues are not still happening but the jets have cooled down a bit! Okay, back to Christmas present.

One Thing that I have never liked, even since I was a kid was the Christmas music. I know people have mixed feeling about it. I mean, it's nostalgic, but ultimately these songs are overly repetitive and some are just downright depressing as shit.

Look, Silent Night is just so slow and goddamn holy that it makes me feel like I should be repenting in a church somewhere and not enjoying the holiday cheer. It takes the spike right out of my eggnog, why's it got to do that to me?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is just a pathetic attempt to make all the kids have feeling for the weird kid at school. He's an outcast with that nose and the reindeer won't play with him. But then Rudolf gets in with (the cool kid at school) Santa Clause and then reindeer like him, and then he's special or some shit. Why does a fun song have to be a life lesson? Why couldn't they already have liked Rudolf from beginning to the end? Instead we have to feel bad about the other reindeer not liking him. The song shouldn't have to make us feel bad about Rudolf's situation to make us feel happy in the end.

Frosty the Snowman... I swear this song is about parents not wanting to deal with their crappy kids all day, so they sent the kids out to play in the snow so they wouldn't have to be a parent for the day. And poor Frosty the Snowman, I mean, his life in itself is miserable. He's created with no input of his own, he's dressed in a ridiculous hat and corncob pipe with a carrot nose and charcoaled face. On top of how stupid he looks, he has to baby sit everyone's children all day long and eventually nobody cares about him and he dies. What a life.

Amongst the classics of Christmas songs are the remakes that the pop singers try to put out. I try my hardest and can only find room for two songs in this genre that don't make me want to throw up, the Mariah Carey one and the Christina Aguilera one. But even those get on my nerves after a while. I don't want to hear Irish pop Christmas songs or some greasy R&B dude passionately singing about Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Gross.

While on the topic of holiday songs, I did hear this song in the car the other day, and had to laugh. It was a bit over the edge. It was by Sarah Silverman, love her or hate her, she made me laugh. Had I known it was her I probably wouldn't have thought it was funny, but she tricked me. click and laugh http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gRGMOhslq0

But, what about holiday movies? These movies are all-together on a different level than Christmas music. The worst Christmas movie is like two times better than the best Christmas song, even if Tim Allen is the star of the movie. I wonder when his next Christmas movie is coming out... anyway here are some classic titles that should be on your TV
1. A Christmas Story - everyone seems to like it more the older they and the movie become. It's dark and real: Tongues on poles (don't get the wrong idea), eyes getting shot out, and that creepy dad with the leg lamp. That is Christmas is America.
2. Jingle All the Way - Arnold Schwarzenegger punches a deer unconscious in this toy of the year movie. Arnold is awesome.
3. Nightmare Before Christmas - for the Tim Burton mall goths
4. Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966) - Classic. Grab a can of who-hash and enjoy
5. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - Chevy Chase always delivers
6. Home Alone - Swinging paint cans hitting burglars in the face doesn't get old.
7. Love Actually - for the love sappy
8. Elf - Will Ferrell


So, here is a quick list of positive things about Christmas to boost the holiday jeer.

1. Candy Canes - Does your uncle have horrible whiskey breath and a knack for telling you secrets when he's drunk? Give him a candy cane.

2. Mistle Toe - It's worth a shot, right?

3. Pine Trees / Wreathes - The fresh pine smell adds to the mix of the season. It's a bonus.

4. Giving Good Gifts - Receiving gifts is cool too, but giving good gifts will make you a legend, and legends never die.

5. Secret Santa's - When it is a total mystery of who you have to buy for and you don't know who has to buy for you, then it is in full effect. Otherwise it becomes work. But ultimately, it is a great money saver.

6. The better mood everyone seems to be in. It's contagious. Getting cut-off on your ride to work is less stress inducing, door-holding is at the height of it's yearly popularity, lots of things are better when you are already in a good mood.

7. The Holiday Parties - Christmas Eve and Day tend to be filled with food and desserts for everyone's enjoyment. Unlike other random gatherings, you don't have to pretend someone made great cookies and that it is something special about their recipe that makes you want to keep eating them. Everyone is usually getting down and eating so much that it becomes one big blur of food intake. Everyone is doing it, and everyone gains a couple of holiday pounds together making it okay.

These are just some of the great things about the holidays. If I made a complete list it would have to be it's own blog entry... So we are moving on.

Now, it's time to talk about something that a lot of people tend to do, which is re-gifting. I have personally never done it, I am too afraid that I'll get caught and be a Christmas embarrassment, but, I'm sure it can be done. If you receive an unwanted gift from one set of friends, you can go and re-gift it to another person in another set of friends. Just make sure the person you are re-gifting to doesn't know the other person. And make sure that these two people don't exclusively know you, meaning you are their only connection to each other. If so, what you gave and received from them may come up since talking about you is the only thing they can do when they see each other. And never, ever, ever, re-gift back to the same person, even if it is one or two years later. People don't forget!

So, we've covered shopping, Black Friday, gifting, holiday music and movies, and some of the better things the holiday season has to offer. Now, go enjoy.

The Pint and the Pen Contest Entry

So, it's been a while since I've been able to post, but, I wanted to share something that I was working on. This is my entry for a contest that Bukowski's Tavern and Harpoon Brewery put together called "The Pint and the Pen Writing Contest. They ask for a short story of 500-750 words. The catch is it must also contain the words "pint" and "pen," along with names "Bukowski" and "Harpoon."

I wrote this in installments, a little bit at a time. At its original completion it was 900 words, and editing took a bit of life out of the story, but nevertheless, I sick of editing and I say that it is done. Enjoy?

Down Went the Whale

They say Charles Bukowski's alter ego was Chinaski, a pint-crashing, poetry-writing, bitch-smacking, barrel-chested, Donkey Kong of a man, who would pick a fight with anyone just to give people a show. And in 1994, when Bukowski died and his body went on to become a crust in the dirt, that alter ego lived on within another man named Ricky Mantis.
Ricky is my roommate. Every day he can be found hunched over, scribbling on mangled papers to hang above his bed. Some would call these scribblings poetry, which is usually questionable behavior around here, but questioning him will probably get your arms broken. So, if you enjoy having broken appendages, go for it.
It wasn't until two months after he moved in that the silence was broken. While in our beds, he turned over, growled his throat clear, and asked, “Can I have a pen?”
“You going to give it back?” I whispered.
“Never.”
“Can I get somethin' in return then? What you got?”
Mantis groaned. Slowly climbing to his knees on his bed, he reached for a paper on his wall and swiped it down with his bear claw. He held the crinkled paper with a stiff arm in front of him. “How about this?”
“What's that?” I asked.
“It's what you've been wondering about.”
“What do you mean?”
“You want it or not?” Mantis asked firmly.
Nerved and confused, the deal was final. A pen for a crumpled piece of paper that was tossed at me in the dark. Too dark to see, I held it for the next day.
At the side of the court, under the sun, waiting to ball, I took my part of the forced barter out from my pocket and read.

Asking her kindly to shut her blow hole may have been my first mistake,
Or was it the smashing of her window that made my fist break?
I can't remember it clearly,
But, my bottle was empty,
And there wasn't another near me,
So, the ground we stood was about to shake.

Luna, the slavestress, kept her head turned,
Patiently ignoring, slowly igniting.
One eye one the orca, and the other on the bottom
Of a glass half full with whiskey.
Grabbing the glass with the right,
The patron opposed,
So, my left left him wailing on the floor.

My reading was interrupted by a pass of the ball that slapped attention into my face. Juanito stood, bent-over laughing. It was his way of telling me it was my turn on the court. I placed the folded paper under the bench. At the game's end it was gone. I feared for the worst.
Later that day, in the mess hall, Juanito stood tall on his seat, while conversations pattered off. I watched with twitching nerves as he read Ricky's poem out loud to everyone. That is when I got to hear the ending and what Mantis had meant when he said, “It's what you've been wondering about.”

Luna, the screamstress, came running toward,
It was about time that her attention turned,
Asking for a drink, she declined.
Asking me to leave, so did I.
Luna pushed, splashing drinks,
Mantis took his fountain ink and
Plunged the pen through her blubber hand.
Luna then sank to the floor.

When police arrived they found,
The front glass window in pain,
A hunted whale of 300lbs and the patron man laying down.
It wasn't hard to see the source,
A six-foot four man bleeding out the fist.

Juanito left the mess hall in a stretcher. Ricky left in Juanito's blood. Mantis went away for two weeks on account of the beating. It was the longest two weeks of my life. If that's what he'd done to Juan, then what would he do to me? I only wondered.
When Mantis did come back, it wasn't long before he asked, “You think I'm going to beat you, huh?” I didn't say anything. “Well, let me tell you something. People make mistakes. That's why we are here. But, Juanito on the other hand,” Mantis paused. “Well, he deserved what he got.”
Finally, I could breathe. “So, you're not going to kill me?”
“No. You are my pen supplier. How else will I write?” Ricky cackled. “Hear they got a nickname for me.”
“Yeah. Ricky 'Harpoon' Mantis. You know, cause you stabbed the fat waitress.”
Ricky laughed harder. “Nice. I like it.”

The End.

I'll be at Bukowski's Tavern in Cambridge to see if I lost on the 26th. See you there?

Let's Smoke this City to the Filter

Good afternoon, clowns. Today, I am going to talk about what I've been thinking about lately, and those are a few things: global warming, what we do about it, and are wasteful tendencies as a species.

Okay, global warming... ta da! It's here! Global warming is something that I try not to care about and it's not because I don't care about the environment, but it is because our efforts to Go Green as the kids say is too little too late. If global warming is here like the scientists, or whoever the credible authoritative figures should be in this case, say it is, then we don't need to "go green," what we really need is a time machine to undo all the wrongdoings of the past seventy years or however long it would take. Sadly that's the way it is. And if this global warming is growing as rapidly as we see that it is, it leaves us with one question... Can going green really save anything?

Pretty much everyday of my life I go out and buy a beverage in a plastic bottle and if you are as cool as me, you probably do the same. Here's an alarming factiod for ya "About 30 million plastic bottles are being disposed Daily in the US - link them together and in a year, there will be enough to circle the Earth 15 times over." That disgusting, and that's only our countries plastic bottle waste. Ridiculous. Even though I find it absolutely repulsive that our country, other world inhabitants, and myself are producing so much waste, I do not plan to stop. Here's why. (First off, I would go green. I wouldn't like it, but I would. Only under the condition that everyone else did. Now you're probably thinking, "you should be a reasonable human being and take charge of your life and not have to wait around for the rest of the world to be a better earthling yourself." And you have a crappy point but to continue...) I would imagine because the GW is already here you cannot undo the effects that have already taken place, going green would have to be a massive global collaboration beginning the second you are reading this for any positive affect on the future. And my version of going green is not "I bought the hippie grocery bags to make myself look like a better person" or "I drive a hybrid so suck on my tail pipe." My version is one with maximum efficiency in recycling (note that I heard or read somewhere that only 15% of everything we recycle gets reused... makes the whole process seem like a waste in itself, don't it?)electric cars made out of glass, a lot less to no packaging on products, buying in bulk, etc... and when i mean less packaging on products I mean no box for a tube of toothpaste, or eliminating individually wrapped cashews. that shit has to go, they already serve no function in our lives. It would, in fact, be a convenience to remove them. Whatever. you get the point. I obviously wouldn't be the one in control of designing the ultimate go green project, some MIT losers would handle that.

Getting back to GW, who is to say that when the effects that are happening now come to full fruition that they won't be bad enough to put us flat on our asses and also how are we to predict how to deal with that changed version of earth? So, if you and your friends are going green and enjoy it, i say go for it and continue. I am not going to convince you to stop, I see that you are helping out. But, there's always a but when I'm in control, I also see it as a 1% versus the world of polluters type situation, making all of your efforts, not seemingly, but actually worthless. Pissing in the wind. But save the world, Captain Planet probably respects the shit out of you for it.

Obviously we don't know how things will pan out, but I will leave you with this. An old professor at the U of MA in Amherst once put a graph or some sort of chart that indicated that all or most of the worlds resources in less than 100 years from now will be very very low. remember when the water pipes burst a few months ago and people were getting into fights over bottles of water at the stores? I imagine that's what the world will be like a lot sooner when the real effects of global warming take places. I'm hope i'm dead and gone by then. All i'm saying is, if this world is the top of the slide, i'm shitting my pants down the whole way.

Tanks fo readin.

Wanna have a summer party in my basement?

Soooo.... I want anyone that reads this to post some suggestions for future blogs. Sometimes I'm just too awesome and ripped off Smirnoff Ices to really come up with anything that might be worth reading about, so if you have a soul, post an idea or two. Thanks! Also, if you need life advice, please post your shitty crisis (provide enough background information) and I promise to get your life on the right track or something.

I'm about to rip into some music "talent" that has been on the radio for the rest of this blog. So if you listen to the radio and feel like stabbing it like I do, then stick around and get ready to hate with me. BUT, if you think the music on the radio really speaks to who you are as a person, don't let me crap on your bad taste in music. Hit the bricks and come back for the next one, k? Oh, and don't forget to post some suggestions for the next blog so we can stay friends.

I feel like I'm sort of turning into my parents when I say the music on the radio is getting worse everyday, but I've been hating the radio for years, so this isn't new. What is new, is that I've actually been listening to the radio recently, I don't know why but when I get bored, I do dumb things, or listen to them for this matter. Now I don't have a problem with everything on the radio, there are crappy musicians that I can let live because they don't need to die, but some of these clowns need to go. on top of the list of "musicians" that i want to put in a rocketship and fly into the sun is...

Ke$ha! - The hippy valley girl. Her songs are so primitive and mindless that they are on par with drinking a bucket of paint while watching Twilight (Sorry tweens. I didn't mean to jab you like that. If it makes it any better I'm all for team Edward, cause I'm classic like that). First of all, it's pretty clear that no matter the situation (according to her lyrics) she's just out to black out, and to slurp on some cock. When she's not passed out in a pile of someone else's vomit, brushing her teeth with bottles of JAK, it's easy to assume she's clearly getting dicked. It's all fine and dandy I guess, but if she's any influence on the youth of today there's one thing we can count on - teen pregnancy (I've been eagerly waiting for teen pregnancy to make its comeback. So rock on, right?). Her sense of self importance is what really makes me hate her even more. Her song Tik Tok. So fucking dumb. That song alone makes me feel as though I could run Ke$ha over with a car as hard as I could and I wouldn't feel ANYTHING. Nothing. Her voice is just so shitty and annoying that I feel like that is exactly what she deserves. Some people deserve the Nobel Peace Prize. Ke$ha deserves to be run over by a car.

Another asshat to put on the rockship to the sun is... Jason Derulo. You might be asking yourself, "ohhh, I know him. He's the guy that bags my groceries at the market, right?" Well, unfortunately you're wrong. He's the new auto tune loser on the radio. He is one of the millions of original song writers that cleverly sampled Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek" and made a song called, "Whatcha Say" (I think that is what it's called, and if I'm wrong then you are a loser for knowing the real title). So, a while back I got interested and did a bit of investigating on this turd and came across a video interview of him just talking up a storm about how great he is, even comparing himself to Michael Jackson. He's a real humble guy. He had a shit ton to say for someone who made his fame off of another person's talent. In fact, I even dug up the video for everyone to feast on. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GK4wjLxuAc) Here is a list of things this shitbird had to say: "At the age of 5, I knew I was going to be a star and take over the world" Holy shit! Are you kidding me? "Other people cannot see my visions" Well, I could not have said it better myself, Jason. (now, he's talking about songs on his album) "There's fun songs, you know, about cancer and various things we are dealing with today" Well, first of all, I don't remember hearing that cancer is fun. I've never heard anyone say that ever. Various Things on the other hand have a lot of potential.
Okay. I'm done with Jason Derulo.

Since I like to bury people in three's, the third piece of shit I'm throwing in the fire today is... Bobby Ray. The song Airplanes is only saved by a guess spot from Hayley Williams from Paramore. There is no longer a rocketship going into the sun, its B.o.B. (Ke$ha and Jason Derulo) on Bobby Ray's Aiplane. That's the new aircraft going to the sun. Apparently this is the only song on the radio right now, cause it's everywhere. This guy, who I've never heard of, is rapping in this song like he is some sort of legend of the rap game, talking about how he rapped before the politics (what the fuck are you even saying man?), before people listened to his mixtape (why would they?). He just makes a claim that he's all about the music and keeps mentioning politics of the rap game. Dude is so full of shit that it's busting out of his mouth. The dude is like 21 years old acting like he even knew a day when rap wasn't about bitches, hoes and fo sho's. Seriously Bobby Ray, you can eating a dick and fuck the horse you rode in on, K, bro? I'm taking Hayley away from you before you ruin her too. I hope you payed her well to defame herself like that.

I hope I didn't crap in anyone's cereal today, but I felt like someone had to say something.

Oh yeah, gimme ideas. you made a promise to me by reading this.

Jack Dalton's True Hollywood Story

Some years back, about eight of them to be exact, I was a bit of a rebel. But, at sixteen, don't we all have that "I'm invincible!" attitude? So during my "I don't give a shit" days, I have under my belt somewhat of a true Hollywood story, only this story takes place on the island on Nantucket.

You see, before the movie Wedding Crashers made us laugh our dicks off, I crashed a few parties myself. They took place during my teen years while I was working as a caddie on Nantucket. During my nights off I would walk by a local venue called the Sconset Casino (not an actual casino) that hosts private functions for rich white people, plays movies for local folks on select nights, and is even hosts some of the Nantucket Film Festival. On a side note, I did crash the Nantucket Film Festival with a few friends one time, claiming to be extras from the movie Lord of the Rings, which I still haven't seen, and met Conan O'Brien. That dude is a giant.

So one night, there was quite a bash going on at the Sconset Casino, and since Nantucket isn't the most happening place for a sixteen your old kid whose friends are all dudes on the island, I decided that I was going to try and go in. Why not right? I'm sixteen, I'm not going to make a scene, and I can't get into trouble by trying, I'll just get kicked out. There were also rumors from friends that it was a certain someone's party. At the time I could have cared less, but it was the thought of doing something that I shouldn't be doing that motivated me. So near the entrance to the Sconset Casino were a few members of the function's staff. They were taking names as people were entering and I cleverly avoided them by just walking blatantly past them. That's a free tip folks. If you walk boldly past authority, they will be more likely to not question you.

So I walked past the bozos at the front and then I was hit by this younger girl that was probably the most manly looking creature I've seen to this date. Of course, I stuck out like a sore thumb because I was wearing a t-shirt to a suit and tie occasion and that's probably the reason why I was stopped. She inquired to who I was and what I was doing at this function. At this point I should mention she is the daughter to one of the birthday boys of the evening, not the famous birthday boy, but the birthday boys wealthy friend, probably the actual birthday boy. She is also the type of person that everyone hates, by default she is visually offensive, but more so because, well, she was kind of a bitch. I tried to buddy with her for the sake that this party could be more interesting than anything else I could have done that night and she still insisted on being a bitch and asking me to leave. After pretending to leave, I was able to avoid the Grimace looking girl and make my way to the abundantly stocked open bar. Now, there was the bar where you had to order mixed drinks and there were beers in bottles packed in ice on the tables, so I grabbed myself a beer, or three, and watched the live band playing on the stage, from nearby.

My tactic at this point was to just hang out and enjoy the fact that I'm around a bunch of strangers, listening to live music and drinking some beers. Continuing that strategy is the safe play in this situation because I can not lose. I've already succeeded in crashing the party, drank a couple of beers and I'm getting entertained by the band. But, getting away with things is addictive, you always want to take that feeling of doing something wrong to the next level and that's what I did.

The singer of the band asked if there were any kids in the crowd that wanted to come up and sing with the band for the next song. Standing next to the stage I thought "sure... I'm a kid" and I jumped up on up. Not knowing what the song was going to be, standing on stage in front of the entire party with about fifteen small childrennext to me, holding a microphone, I sang "I'm a Believer" made famous by The Monkees and made believers out of the entire party. I even ended the song by slapping a cymbal and high-fiving every child that was on stage with me. From the back windows of the function room I could see friends and co-workers staring through the windows at me in complete disbelief that I had done what I had just did.

Now I did mention that this was a true Hollywood story, and it is, well, sort of, so this is the part where the Hollywood part comes in, if applicable. Any New England Patriot Fans out there? While walking down the steps from the stage I was greeted by the birthday boy himself, Coach Bill Belichick. (Now some of you out there may look up his actual birthday and it is sometime in April but it was made clear to me by the Grimace girl that it was a joint-birthday celebration. Thanks grimace!) At this point I felt like the man because I did something quite bold, for me that is. And as I walked down the steps and saw him, I thought "oh shit. he's going to personally escort me out of the party." But to my surprise, he instead shook my hand, asked me my name and told me what a great job I did. I was a bit thunderstruck by that to be honest.

I don't know how drunk he was, but if anyone knows me, I have a terrible singing voice. If he wasn't drunk then, he would have been soon, as he was walking on stage to sing "Love Potion Number Nine," where he took a big swig from a flask that he brought on stage with him instead of actually singing the parts "love potion number nine" and that is where everyone in the party filled in the words.

I also did steal a party favor from a table and I have it somewhere, but it's hardly proof of my party crash, because it is a CD. I'm sure I could find someone to testify to the size of my balls that night.

And that is the story of how Bill Belichick met me.

Maxim's Top 100 Hot List

Hey! What's up, everyone? School is pretty much out for the summer, so that means more blogs. YOOOOO!!!!

Okay, so last night, on my way into work, I stopped at the infamous Walgreens and picked up the new Maxim magazine. Why you ask? Cause I'm a guy and guys like the stupid information that they put in the magazine and the pictures of good-looking women. I must say that last night I didn't even get to the magazine because I was way too distracted by the Maxim's Hot 100 List supplement that they included with the magazine. For those that don't know what that is, first of all, you are a dummy, and second it is a list of the top 100 most beautiful women... according to Maxim magazine.

I'd like to begin talking about the Maxim's most beautiful fallen angels - the girls that used to rock the top 100 and now just are on the list out of nostalgia or they themselves are just out not up to par.

1. Britney Spears - What happened? she used to be straight up ridiculous, but at the same time she wasn't necessarily a full grown woman. so age hasn't treated her well i guess. either that or the kids she had are dragging her down. or kevin federline. whatever it is, she's fallen dramatically to #54. tough break. well, not really. I can't believe she's still considered for this list at all. she's a bit of a hag now. but back in the day. damn, she was hot.

2. Angelina Jolie - Now she's not exactly a bad looking woman by any means. it kind of hurts to see her at spot #38 on the list. I guess she can't hog the list forever. still deserves to be there though cause i think she is gorgeous.

3. Jessica Alba - She's a lot better than #34. come on, Maxim. She's a babe. in fact, if she was a president, she'd be Baberaham Lincoln.

4. Jessica Biel - She was all the rage the past few years. why is she now at #32 I just realized Justin Timberlake banged both Britney Spears and Jessica Biel. What a lucky son of a bitch.

Okay, so clearly those girls couldn't be the hottest forever and I realize that, and i am okay with that, but let's take a look at some girls that I think just shouldn't be on the list.

Lilly Allen - Gross. #75

Ke$ha - #56. Somehow she's more beautiful than a bunch of models. that sound about right - nope.

Anna Faris - She's cute and I like her comedies a little bit but she, like Kesha, is not hotter than the pile of models behind her. she's number 42.

Amanda Bynes - Amanda Bynes? What? #15. We're being punk'd, right? Where's Ashton?

I think we can all agree that those morons do not belong on the list of 100 most beautiful women. It's like they are taking up space on a list of awesomeness. Speaking of taking up space on the list, why are all of these random European models here? It's not that they aren't beautiful, but it's hard to place them on a list like this. We have a list of celebrities and then there are no-name models mixed in here and its hard to figure out who they are. It's like if i made a list of 100 most beautiful famous women and included a bunch of people that I know. yes, they are pretty, but it would be nice to know who they are.

Okay, here are some women that I am happy to see on the list.

1. At number 94. Kelly Ripa... She's mad cheesy on that show with Regis (who I hate cause he's a piece of dust) but I have to admit that she is a good-looking woman. She's pretty, and in really great shape. She make the kind of effort that I think deserves her a spot on the list. I understand if you disagree though, she's mad annoying.

2. Zooey Deschanel. - #73... i'll get to her later.

3. Kristen Bell - She's a babe and you know what else? she's a babe. I am glad she's on the list. She's in my person top 20 but Maxim says shes #52. just happy to see she's on the list though.

4. Emma Stone - She was in the movie Superbad and she's a super babe.

5. Taylor Swift - Her music is for dumbasses but she is adorable. I think she is a nice girl. she just seems like a sweatheart. the kind of sweatheart i want to do sex with.

okay, MOST UNDER-RATED

Scarlett Johansson - She's number 14. just under Amanda Bynes for some reason. It doesn't get much better than her. She's insanely beautiful. If a girl like her talked to me I think she head would fall off.

But lets talk about Number 1. The big winner. The most beautiful woman of 2010 according to Maxim... Katy Perry. Now, hold on.
Zooey Deschanel is #73 on the left. Katy Perry. #1 on the right.



How do two women that look very much alike end up on the opposite ends of the spectrum? okay, Katy Perry does have a better body, you're right. I guess Zooey Deschanel should just be more like Katy Perry.

Anyway, Maxim's top 100 hot list for 2010 is strange. I don't even know what else to say about it. Pick it up and you'll see what i mean. or don't cause you've read my blog and know what's up. i got to run errands now, so peace out clowns.

No Coffee = Crazy People

So Saturday, the water pipes broke in the north-of-Boston region, and it's screwing things up bad. Take away our water supply and you have an entire population on their knees. I have to use bottled water to brush my goddamn teeth, which i keep forgetting about. So I have cleaned my teeth, but in the process I may have ingested some sort of bacteria that could eat my heart out like Bruce Springsteen. So then I rinse my mouth out with mouthwash and even swallowing some in the hopes that it catches up to the water that I may have drank and kills the badness within it. That's thinking realistically, right? No, but it allows me to sleep at night.

So without drinking water or easily accessible tap water, which for the most part is pretty good in terms of cleanliness and drinkable nature we north-of-Bostonians have had to purchase bottles and gallons of water. awesome. It's actually further from a problem for me considering that's just something that I already do, but someone out there has been inconvenienced, and for that guy out there, I shout towards the clouds at full volume, "RAT FARTS!".

Speaking of inconvenience, the number one inconvenience this far, besides the teeth-brushing, water-ingesting ordeals, which I might add have happened a few times per day since the pipe exploding, has been the lack of available iced coffees, or coffees in general. Taking away water from hundreds of thousands of people has been crazy as it is, but take away everyone's favorite source of caffeine? Now, you are fucking with big trouble, especially since both water and coffee are out of the picture. I'm surprised people haven't rioted and looted self-brewed coffee from their local Dunkin Donuts yet. After leaving the house today for the first time since Saturday, I felt the anxiety of no coffee first hand. I went to D&D and it was closed, So I got in my car and raced to Starbucks - closed.

I found myself to be like an addict, thinking of ways I could get an iced coffee, and eventually realized that I lost the battle before it had begun. This will be the case for the next few days. It must be interesting to see the people with real jobs desperate for coffee, I'm just a nobody with a sweet tooth for caffeine. Perhaps I'll get a taste of coffee tomorrow. I'll make a lot of it, so i can take it with me to school. That would be a great idea. no? I could stand in front of the closed Dunkin Donuts which is next to the train station and sell coffee in the morning, made with bottled water, $3 a pop, that shit would sell. but then i'd have to buy cups, straws, sugar, cream, milk, sweet and low, containers to store ice, which i'd have to make from bottled water, and then my good idea of selling iced coffee makes me poorer than i started because it isn't a practical investment because it would have to turn a profit in two days and who would buy coffee from a stranger on the sidewalk?

ok fuck it, i won't wheel and deal coffee on the sidewalk, it was a bad idea, i know, but i wasn't serious about it either, so it's okay. right? we cool?

So take away easily accessible drinking water and coffee, and what do you get? A bunch of crazies. keep an eye out for them today and the next couple because they are out there. confused and irritable. just be extra nice, cause if you mess with someone when they haven't had their coffee in the morning they will probably bite your head off, or smash your face into a jelly. Combining a lack of coffee with a lack of water, and it could mean that the folks that walks the streets everyday are a bit dehydrated (as well as decaffeinated), which could also effect their ability to think normally. so let's just say there are definitely going to be some loose canons out there. so keep calm, act nicely, and stay out of the way.

Humanity goes back a step

So it's a Saturday afternoon and my friend john and I are at a pizza place/liquor store and a couple of morons come running in, talking about a shooting. Yes, like bang-bang, guns are out, people are on the verge of death type of shooting. Now, in my 24 years of living in Revere, I have only heard of such a thing a couple of times, and although these circumstances are sad, I couldn't help but take the situation to heart, well sort of. At first the jokes came about, but then it was the reaction of the people around me that made me feel like shit. I can usually make jokes about terrible situations but this type of thing was just beyond my discretion, and if you find humor in someone's death or serious injjury, then you truly are a horrible person.

I walked onto the sidewalk and looked down toward the person that had been shot about 100 yards away. It still didn't seem real that a person had been shot three times. one moment i am enjoying a slice of pizza and the next, I am looking down a sidewalk at an unclear image of a man laying on concrete with his shirt off. A woman was tending to him. It didn't seem real. People were coming out of the woodwork appearing on the sidewalk, like myself, unsure of what was happening. The nature of what was happening didn't settle in until I heard some terrible human-being talk about how someone should take a video of the man so they could watch it.

I still can't get over the insanity of of this girl's request. That is a pretty fucked-up to suggest that someone should take a video via phone or camera of someone that had just been shot three times. What would you get out of watching a video like that? it is just completely immoral to video someone in complete agony? what do people get out of another's demise that they need to watch it. that kind of shit is so for sick freaks. what if the unlucky person that had been shot what your cousin or uncle? shouldn't these be thing things to think of before one suggests a video be taken of a man that had been shot.

way to go humanity. you suck again.