Life and the Wall

I just read the blog of a guy who is in one of my favorite bands The Lawrence Arms (http://badsandwichchronicles.blogspot.com/) and he just really said what has been on my mind lately. I'll get into it in my own way, and I'd hate to make you stop reading now, but I'll warn you (cause it's only fair and shit) that it going to be another serious one. But I'll mix in some laughs to keep ya going.

*Also, this will be very ranty, won't make much sense, and sound bitter, but we all think about this stuff on some level or at some point. So hear it out for a little bit but feel free to stop reading at any point. ya hear?

So I was thinking the other day, and I'm not sure if it was in class, at work, while I was sleeping, or doing a crazy amount of homework, - I can't tell any of these aspects of my run-of-the-mill life apart anymore because they run together like... workout buddies. but I was thinking about... well, a lot of shit: worries, the point of life, why achieving anything might be worth while, and in general a look back on life from the end to ask was is all worth it? and what is next? (note, I am not planning on killing myself or anything so relax, its just me facing these free thoughts that I believe everyone has at one point or another in their life)

Let's start with everyone's fears of worrying and run into the other topics in a big messy fashion, because that's how it's going down this time. We, as a people, all have our own worries. Large or small, they are there. Some people worry if they will make it to McDonald's before they stop serving breakfast, some people worry about catching the next train to go to work so their slob of a boss won't write them up, and then their are larger worries, like will I pay mortgage on time before I get booted to the gutters or will terrorists shoebomb my next flight out to Delaware. Setting aside larger worries, because we generally don't face them on a daily basis, maybe they are reoccurring thoughts, but not daily. Let's focus on daily worries. For the past six months, I have been dealing with them and it is unnecessarily unnerving. Whether I'll make it to work on time or whether I'll get my assignments in on time, it's all bullshit. Let's go back to two weeks ago and you'll see what I mean. I worried for a few days about a presentation that I had to do because my group was a bit overbearing and indecisive and I haven't received my grade at all yet, but since it has passed I can honestly say I do not give a shit. It was 3 minutes of me talking in front of 25 people and they probably couldn't even recall what I said after I finished. A large portion of these people don't even know my name. It was that insignificant. And come to think about it, most experiences in life are that pointless. It's things that make you worry until they pass by and never mean anything to you again that are bullshit. I think I've made my point but why do we let these things control our temperament and give us the endless pit feeling in our stomachs. Its the getting kicked into the gutter after not paying mortgage that should really be the worry. okay enough, i'm sick of complaining about worrying, what's next?

Oh great. The point to life. It is hard to say really. right? I mean, we have families, and these people are important to us, and then we have our own families and we are important to each other and then the cycle repeats after we become a crust in the dirt. It seems like the point of life to create more life, but for what? for the cycle to be continuous and never end? what is the incentive to life besides these bonds we make with our fellow human beings. This will start to stray from the point, but I warned you, this wasn't going to make sense or be reasonably coherent. I mean look at the subjects that I promised to cover, nobody has the answer to this shit. ANYWAY, looking at my own life, I chose the path of dedicating most of my life in the education system as a learner. What kills me the most is to come to learn that I will not in fact learn everything. Everyone hits a wall in their abilities to do anything, and there are things that I and everyone else in the world cannot learn. and this doesn't go for just learning, we can compare this with an ability to do anything. everyone hits a wall. There are prodigies like Doogie Howser M.D. that becomes a doctor at the age of 14 and everyone thinks he is a god. but even he plateaus, as you see, when he is 30 and if he stayed on that career path he will become a 30 year old doctor, along with his other 30 year old doctor colleagues. so what was the point? what was the rush? and was it worth it Doogie? you life-saving little bitch!

So this brings me to the point about achievement, and this might also fall under a number of the topics, and even relate to the previous blog in an odd way, but will these achievements be worth it? In the end, Doogie and the rest of us will all be piles of dust. I mean, I have pipe-dreams of doing some traveling, reading a crazy number of books slowly over time, marrying Natalie Portman, even writing a movie, but these are the things that mean something to me and my time of this block. But I think in the end we will all be humbled to realize that not all of our pipe-dreams will come true. What we will learn through trying to achieve and by chasing all of the pipe-dreams is that not all of them will be tangible. in some way, we will hit the wall I was talking about earlier. When and if that happens for me, I am not sure how I will deal with settling with mediocrity, especially knowing that life comes and goes all too quickly. At the age of 24, I sit knowing my fate. Never being able to live or become the ideal version of myself, nobody will. Of course this ideal is constantly changing even by the second, but for now most of my goals are tangible. Knowing this fate, as I stated, does not mean this I have given up. I would like to think that although I am not a professional anything yet, I do work hard. I give school assignments a great effort, I always show up and try hard at jobs I know I won't have forever, and make time for the people the matter to me and even if I do not make time, they never are far from the brain. I believe the idea of making a living, and certain life goals can stop one from achieving the others. and sometimes it comes with having to choose one over the other, or one first and then another. This is all up to the self and prioritizing, but then the process could get too mechanical, for me at least.

Okay, so I've avoided answering all of the questions this far except the last one.

What is next? or What is after this life? is there is an afterlife? Lets pretend that there is an afterlife. and this is where everyone reading this blog will hit the wall that i was talking about earlier. no matter what you tell me, it is not the truth, and if it is, there is no way to know without experience it. that is to say that no living person knows what the afterlife is, based on the notion that there is one. and that my friends, is the wall. Thinking about the unthinkable.