The Best and the Worst in Life

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The Wonders of Walgreens

So, if you read my first blog, or know what I am up to these days, then you would know that I work in Boston a couple of nights a week and since I work overnight, before going to work, I usually stock up on a few items at the Walgreen's across the street. For most people going to the store to get some stuff is a pretty regular thing but I assure you this Walgreen's is never a normal experience.

Before entering the store there is usually a few loitering bums or crackjunkies sitting outside asking you for money, in particular change. They seem to really like change. Now the bums/crackjunkies usually change up between a polite, complement-giving black bum, to a couple of young, wierdo crackjunkies. The polite black bum has given me such complements as "handsome," "nice glasses," and calling me a friend. Sometimes I don't even give him money and he just complements me. He has a real gift at buttering people up. He's probably the most charming bum around and much better than the others. Now, the heroine snorting crackheads on the other hand are rather obnoxious and say things that aren't even coherent except for "change." Now, I say couple because they are in fact a couple. I don't think that I have ever seen a younger couple like this out on the street before. If they kicked the crack rock, they could probably be functioning people with normal lives, especially the girl. Like, if she gave up the hard drugs, and she took a shower and put on normal clothes, she could probably be a human being. Women are much more marketable into bringing back into real life as I would imagine, right? Anyways, I hope they are saving money for showers soon so they can become people again, because that would be the first step into coming back into society. From there? Well, applying for a job would be the next step, or a library card. I have no idea. What do you do in that situation?

Okay, so I am in Walgreen's, and every person shopping there is stupid. Standing in line sometimes takes 10 minutes, not because the people behind the counter can't do their jobs right, it's usually because of the douches in line that don't know how to buy things. They have a real issue with giving money to the clerks. Now while that is happening, some dumbasses usually force their way through the wrong automatic door which is awesome to watch because the door doesn't really open they way that they want it to, and they are going full force when they could have used the door next to it with ease. It's like watching the ending to American Gladiators and the people have to choose which door to go through and hope a gladiator isn't there to ruin there day, it's the same struggle.

So I walk around for the items I want, usually a Coke, Amp, or a green tea and something like a Powerbar. All the while, this bag lady, is always in there. I don't think she works there, because she is never is uniform or wearing a name tag, but she is always there. She watches everyone shop with her googly eyes. She'll be "looking at you", but her eyes are elsewhere. She'll follow people around suspecting that they are stealing and she'll tell the employees who just say "don't worry (insert bag lady's name here)." They just brush her off because I'm pretty sure she's just a loitering, paranoid bag lady. Having her follow you around is just the most uncomfortable thing ever. She's like a terrible lingering odor that you just can't get away from you. Every turn you take she there. You could be in the first isle and run to the last one and she there. She's a true creep.

Now, every time I buy my Powerbar, they give me a coupon to put toward my next purchase of a Powerbar. I was never a fan of coupons, and it would seem pretty cool that you could hypothetically keep buying your Powerbar for a discounted rate every time you go in there, but that is not the case. After accumulating about five coupons in my backpack, I decided that if they were going to keep giving me these things, I'm just going to have to keep giving them back. I just didn't want anymore of these to end up in my backpack. I just wouldn't have it. So one day I pulled up to the register and hand them my coupon and wouldn't you know that it doesn't work. None of them work. I didn't care, I just told them to ring me up without it because it doesn't matter that I save fifty cents on a Powerbar, I just didn't want the coupons anymore. After I buy my shit, I try and leave and the guy asks me if I want my coupon. Normally I would have taken it and thrown it in the backpack, but I couldn't believe this guy was serious. So I said, "Didn't we just go over this? They don't work, remember? Why would I want a coupon that doesn't work?" He was a younger guy and he saw the humor in this so we both laughed it off, but really Walreen's guy?

I guess that it's not news that a Walgreen's has some sketchy people lurking around there, but because of a large request to hear about my experiences there, I had to post about it. I am not sure what me next post will be about but, hopefully that will come in the next few days. If you have any ideas, lay them on me. Until next time, snooch to the nooch.

I Accept Your Apology, I Think....

Months ago, you heard (unless you were in a coma)that beloved United States professional golfer, Eldrick Tont Woods a.k.a. Tiger, was unfaithful to his super-hot wife Elin. I don't know how, but Tiger got bored of this http://www.golfsetbase.com/images/upload/Image/Elin%20woods.jpg . The infamous "car accident" was the big tip-off to the whole fiasco. Shortly after we hear that Tiger has had a bunch of affairs with random waitresses and other women. The press tried their hardest to get all the dirty, dirt-dirt that they could, but nobody knew the extent of anything for the longest time, as he and the Woods family remained private about everything.

Then one day I'm sitting at home playing the old XBOX. In all honesty, I was playing Tiger '09 and I was just about to play Tiger Woods because it was one of the challenge things and my dad runs up the stairs anticipating Tiger's apology speech. I had no idea that he was about to make a public apology in the first place and "to who?" I wondered. Besides his wicked-hot wife Elin and his family, who did Tiger Woods really need to publicly apologize to? I am not a big fan of adultery or anything, but you know what? Tiger Woods is a grown man. He made his decisions and that is that.

Tiger doesn't need to apologize to...

-the PGA for being unfaithful. People are unfaithful all the time. If the guy that works at Dunkin' Donuts has an affair, he doesn't have to apologize to the company. Do the girls that had the affairs with Tiger have to apologize to their employers too?

-the companies that endorse him. He has made them so much money that they can happily continue without being affiliated with him. It's not like Nike, Gatorade, and all of the others will go broke because Tiger had affairs. They were well-established before he came along.

-all of his fans. perhaps the younger kids that look-up to him, he can state that what he did was wrong, but he isn't the first famous athlete to carry-on after an affair. What about Kobe Bryant? he supposedly raped a 19-year-old girl, and I bet nobody even remembers that happened. Isn't that something that should worry people more? Tiger has consensual sex with women other than his wife and it is the worst thing in the world, but Kobe allegedly rapes a girl and that isn't nearly as bad? this worries me.
For the rest of his fans, he owes no apology. He didn't cheat on us, he was not in some sort of contract with his fans that said he would always do the right thing. As a fan of Tiger Woods, I do not hold this against him in any way. He is still a favorite athlete of mine. A memorable moment for me includes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1I55z-x6zc . Yeah, he's that dirty.

While watching the press conference where he had to embarrassingly state that he had affairs and apologize to people who he owes nothing to, was just sickening. Yeah, he made some mistakes and he is going about fixing them, but does he need to be humiliated in the process? We are talking about a guy that is worth about a billion dollars. Do you know what could be done with a billion dollars? I won't even bother posting the possibilities but if I did, you wouldn't see "embarrassingly apologize to millions of people for private matters" in the list.

So after I watched the unnecessary apology, which did not matter at all to me, I proceeded to play him in the Tiger '09 golf challenge and kicked his sorry ass. If anything, that is what he needed most. So, whatever comes out of this at all, I hope that he continues to play golf, because he is arguably the best athlete in the world. He has accomplished more than anyone else has in their sport ever.

So Tiger Woods, if you are reading this, I give you back your apology. You didn't owe me one. Oh yeah, and if you and your hot wife get divorced, would it be cool if I called her sometime?

Case in Point

okay. my head is bumping right now because i drank a whole lot last night, so i'll make it quick.

my friend Alex, a wise old sage, presents the theory that "the ratio of how dumb you are and how many girls you get is very closely linked." and this is true. Girls don't want the guy that is being a normal person at the party, they want the guy that's wearing the dumbass hat or the guy who is proving that he can shotgun 100 beers in a row. girls are, for whatever reason, infatuated with the silly and absurd. The reason being, and you can not blame them, is because they are seeking someone "exciting." yeah, okay. i can see that. you don't want to waste your time with someone boring, but why does it always come to be such a surprise to girls when the same guy running around the party tazing other dudes in the nuts turned out to be a douche bag? it is the inevitable. a boring guy like myself watches this happen all the time. there is nothing to really do about it but acknowledge the issue.

girls date these losers with the notion that he is good-looking, fun, interesting, and a bad boy, because after all he goes against the grain of society. a bad boy is the key in all of this. a bad boy represents something that they can not have or possess, and it is human nature to need to have what cannot be had. so for girls, this is a symbol of their status. being the girl that tamed the bad boy means a lot.

but at the end of the day, we know she is pretending the entire time. we know that she pretends that he isn't a dick. her happiness is completely compromised for her to wear bad-boy status symbol on her arm. every time he does something douchey, she rolls her eyes and says "boys will be boys," but you and i know that people will be people, and douches will be douches. generally speaking if your guy's friends are douches, then so is he. just because he is better looking that them, doesn't make him exempt from being a douche.

if you are a girl, don't fall into the scheme of dating a douche bag. i would suggest that you assess every guy and his friends, and think to yourself for a second "is he a douche?" before dating him ...it's not like i have a vendetta against douchebags or something, i'm sure someone out there thinks that i am one. anyway, the point being, girls need to start evaluating their potential partners better. they should hold out for something better.

What's that on your face... book?

My head is throbbing from writing papers all morning and going to school for 5 hours straight, so I thought what better time to post another blog.

Someone actually read my previous post and requested that I continue this. So Regis Philbin, this is for you buddy. Tonight's blog will talk about the phenomenon of what I like to call active-biographical internet web pages.

So saddle-up.

Back in 1999, when signing onto the internet sounded like static radio and a velocirapter being tasered, the first active-biographical internet web page was born. God named this web page Live Journal. Live Journal was a site were you and your friends could write blogs about your first day at high school, how you think girls look better with their clothes off, or how your dad got arrested for stealing hot dogs from the Hess gas station again. Whatever it was that was going on in your life at the time you could just blog about it, and your friends would leave you comments on you blogs and say things like, "yes, i too am closed-minded and think that way," or "don't kill yourself, but if you do make sure you give me back my Dashboard Confessional cd first." This was always my favorite of all of the biographical web pages because it was a real blog. you could keep it for yourself and it didn't matter if other people read it, because after all it was a JOURNAL. But a few years after, Live Journal died. Along with its bullshit replicating websites like Dead Journal. don't get me wrong, Live Journal still very much exists, and I find that astounding because people are basically illiterate these days.

After the Live Journal days of having one tiny photo and nothing but blog, came Friendster, which was the ultimate fail in creating a networking website. It was difficult to use, and generally a pain in the ass. It opted to host more pictures than Live Journal but was more interested in bits of information about yourself and you couldn't blog or write about your life, you could only write on other people's pages and say "hey you are my friend in real life. wow this is cool." but honestly, it wasn't.

Shortly after Myspace emerged onto the scene as a user-friendly wayyyyy cooler web site people started jumping ship. Why not right? everyone was signing onto Myspace cause you could post pictures, find people easily, listen to some music, make posts to your friends, comment on pictures and later would allow you to blog. wow holy shit, right? this was like when they unveiled Super Mario Bros 3 in the movie The Wizard - people were just blown away and obsessed... that is until...

Facebook!

But first, two dudes created a web page called ConnectU, which was basically the original Facebook. The guy that made Facebook robbed these guys of the idea and millions of dollars later he's sitting nice because he did the right thing and stole an idea and made mad money off of it.

okay, now Facebook.
We are all on it. We all know the ins and outs about it. so why bother informing you about it? There is a big secret that you don't know about Facebook and that is... nothing. I don't have any secrets about Facebook, but what I really wanted to talk about Facebook for, was to make fun of the people that are on it, myself included.
I'll make a list.
1. People that tell you way too much information. Not like "oh my god, I can't believe you just said that, you are crazy girlfriend" too much information, I am talking about "I just took a shower" or "I am working" or "three birds just flew by my window." It's time these people just dropped dead. Nobody gives a shit about this nonsense, so stop posting it.
2. People that you don't know you that want to be your friend. I am not talking about some good-looking girl that you might actually want to be friends with so you can bone her later, or someone that is a friend of your friends and wants to be your friend (oh boy, i need a nap after that one.) I am talking about someone whose name or face does not appear to be familiar at all. If you are this person, stop being a total creep and make some real friends.
3. People that lie or bend the truth about the information in their info pages. Don't just write that you listen The Shins because you think its cool to say that you listen to the shins. it's dumb. this also goes for things like movies and books. stop trying to impress everyone, your looking like a jackass trying so hard.
4. Stop narrating your lives! I don't need to read "I just got to work, I'll be here till 4, then work, then gym, then going to dinner with my cat." If i needed to know that information, then you would have called me to tell me it. Not all 800 of your friends need to know about your less than average day, and about 5 of your friends are the ones who might give a shit.
5. If you were going on vacation, would you really want everyone to know? Should you really be telling people that your home or apartment will be left unattended for the next two weeks and available to be robbed at any moment? you never thought about that did you? you were too busy being a show off and bragging about your super cool vacation.
6. Another ball buster of a status update is when someone writes something alarming when all they want is for other people to feel bad for them. like the post would be something like "could this day get any worse?" and then everyone will be like "what's the matter are you all right?", "do you need me to come over?" or "your boyfriend didn't beat you again did he?" stop begging for sympathy and attention. its pathetic and quite frankly makes you sound desperately needy.
7. People you know that see and talk to each other all the time that hog each others facebook walls. everyone knows that they are very close because they have a million pictures together on facebook and are seen together all the time, and they take up each others facebook wall. what is this? you see one another way to much to do that. you are probably hanging out together while doing it. stop. its weird and unnecessary.

i am out of things that i hate about people on facebook for now, but i am sure that the best and brightest (the readers of this blog) can help me out in finishing this up. leave a comment about the people or things that make you sick about facebook users. but remember facebook itself is awesome. it is a guilty pleasure that we love to hate but hate to love. so embrace the mess that is facebook, and i'll leave you a comment on you facebook wall to make you look cool.

that's it for now, i'll see you on the other side.