not knowing where you are going is the best way to get to somewhere you have never been

welcome to a blog about nothing and everything. enjoy.

Monday, December 13, 2010

The New Holidays Are Here

So, it's been a long time since I've made a real post to this blog, and because we are nearing the holidays, I figured that I'd throw my dogs and ladies a bone. This is the Jack Dalton's Holiday Special! If you are reading, stop now, throw some spike in that eggnog and chug on, because it's the most wonderful time of the year.

Jack Dalton is going to be a bit of a ghost of Christmas past for a minute, to remind everyone of how far we have come as a society. The holidays in the 80's, 90's, and 00's were sadly plagued by many things, some even deadly, one of which occurred on the darkest day of the year, Black Friday. Black Friday used to be a day of reckoning, one which was filled with angry hockey dads ripping each other's throats out over Tickle-Me Elmo's. I used the word deadly before because if everyone remembers correctly, some pregnant lady lost her baby because she was trampled in a Walmart line, among other deaths over the years. Now, I'm not saying that the violence and rage doesn't still continue (we all saw this lady throw a shitstorm on youtube (if not click and laugh http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PTe5ARAkPU )), but we can all agree that it is happening at a less alarming rate. We can all thank the stores for staying open longer, extending the amount of sale days, and of course the online shopping deals as well. These key factors have diminished the number of crazies that continue the rage after scarfing their turkeys.

Another bright side to the holidays of this new modern world is the less frequent Toy of the Year type things. I refer back to Tickle-Me Elmo because he was the toy to have. If you were a young child back fifteen years ago and didn't possess a Tickle-Me Elmo, than you were nobody. When it is put like that, it does put more perspective on the fact that children 6 or under do not really know the difference, or what's going on period. In fact, their life up until that point is really a big blur. So for the future, if you become a parent and the toy of the year shit comes back, take a minute and really think about whether or not you want to go fisticuffs over a stuffed animal that you're kid won't even remember existed. But to add to the Toy of the Year tirade, it's nice to see less anticipation and importance of obtaining these things because in the past there would be Christmas Pirates standing in the way of happiness. These Christmas Pirates were usually shitheads without jobs or anything better to do that stood in lines for hours obsessing over getting the Toy of the Year, not to give to their own little Jonnie of Susie, but to sell at ten times the price to parents that would like nothing more than a happy holiday for their child. And because the Christmas Pirates bought all of the must have toys parents would have to pay the next two months of mortgage to make their kid happy and not stand out in school. Since the last ten years or so people have fallen on hard times making their Christmas' already unsatisfactory for the children. The Pirate's weren't making things easier either by essentially holding Christmas and happiness ransom, thus ruining Christmas for all.

I'm not saying these issues are not still happening but the jets have cooled down a bit! Okay, back to Christmas present.

One Thing that I have never liked, even since I was a kid was the Christmas music. I know people have mixed feeling about it. I mean, it's nostalgic, but ultimately these songs are overly repetitive and some are just downright depressing as shit.

Look, Silent Night is just so slow and goddamn holy that it makes me feel like I should be repenting in a church somewhere and not enjoying the holiday cheer. It takes the spike right out of my eggnog, why's it got to do that to me?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is just a pathetic attempt to make all the kids have feeling for the weird kid at school. He's an outcast with that nose and the reindeer won't play with him. But then Rudolf gets in with (the cool kid at school) Santa Clause and then reindeer like him, and then he's special or some shit. Why does a fun song have to be a life lesson? Why couldn't they already have liked Rudolf from beginning to the end? Instead we have to feel bad about the other reindeer not liking him. The song shouldn't have to make us feel bad about Rudolf's situation to make us feel happy in the end.

Frosty the Snowman... I swear this song is about parents not wanting to deal with their crappy kids all day, so they sent the kids out to play in the snow so they wouldn't have to be a parent for the day. And poor Frosty the Snowman, I mean, his life in itself is miserable. He's created with no input of his own, he's dressed in a ridiculous hat and corncob pipe with a carrot nose and charcoaled face. On top of how stupid he looks, he has to baby sit everyone's children all day long and eventually nobody cares about him and he dies. What a life.

Amongst the classics of Christmas songs are the remakes that the pop singers try to put out. I try my hardest and can only find room for two songs in this genre that don't make me want to throw up, the Mariah Carey one and the Christina Aguilera one. But even those get on my nerves after a while. I don't want to hear Irish pop Christmas songs or some greasy R&B dude passionately singing about Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Gross.

While on the topic of holiday songs, I did hear this song in the car the other day, and had to laugh. It was a bit over the edge. It was by Sarah Silverman, love her or hate her, she made me laugh. Had I known it was her I probably wouldn't have thought it was funny, but she tricked me. click and laugh http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gRGMOhslq0

But, what about holiday movies? These movies are all-together on a different level than Christmas music. The worst Christmas movie is like two times better than the best Christmas song, even if Tim Allen is the star of the movie. I wonder when his next Christmas movie is coming out... anyway here are some classic titles that should be on your TV
1. A Christmas Story - everyone seems to like it more the older they and the movie become. It's dark and real: Tongues on poles (don't get the wrong idea), eyes getting shot out, and that creepy dad with the leg lamp. That is Christmas is America.
2. Jingle All the Way - Arnold Schwarzenegger punches a deer unconscious in this toy of the year movie. Arnold is awesome.
3. Nightmare Before Christmas - for the Tim Burton mall goths
4. Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966) - Classic. Grab a can of who-hash and enjoy
5. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - Chevy Chase always delivers
6. Home Alone - Swinging paint cans hitting burglars in the face doesn't get old.
7. Love Actually - for the love sappy
8. Elf - Will Ferrell


So, here is a quick list of positive things about Christmas to boost the holiday jeer.

1. Candy Canes - Does your uncle have horrible whiskey breath and a knack for telling you secrets when he's drunk? Give him a candy cane.

2. Mistle Toe - It's worth a shot, right?

3. Pine Trees / Wreathes - The fresh pine smell adds to the mix of the season. It's a bonus.

4. Giving Good Gifts - Receiving gifts is cool too, but giving good gifts will make you a legend, and legends never die.

5. Secret Santa's - When it is a total mystery of who you have to buy for and you don't know who has to buy for you, then it is in full effect. Otherwise it becomes work. But ultimately, it is a great money saver.

6. The better mood everyone seems to be in. It's contagious. Getting cut-off on your ride to work is less stress inducing, door-holding is at the height of it's yearly popularity, lots of things are better when you are already in a good mood.

7. The Holiday Parties - Christmas Eve and Day tend to be filled with food and desserts for everyone's enjoyment. Unlike other random gatherings, you don't have to pretend someone made great cookies and that it is something special about their recipe that makes you want to keep eating them. Everyone is usually getting down and eating so much that it becomes one big blur of food intake. Everyone is doing it, and everyone gains a couple of holiday pounds together making it okay.

These are just some of the great things about the holidays. If I made a complete list it would have to be it's own blog entry... So we are moving on.

Now, it's time to talk about something that a lot of people tend to do, which is re-gifting. I have personally never done it, I am too afraid that I'll get caught and be a Christmas embarrassment, but, I'm sure it can be done. If you receive an unwanted gift from one set of friends, you can go and re-gift it to another person in another set of friends. Just make sure the person you are re-gifting to doesn't know the other person. And make sure that these two people don't exclusively know you, meaning you are their only connection to each other. If so, what you gave and received from them may come up since talking about you is the only thing they can do when they see each other. And never, ever, ever, re-gift back to the same person, even if it is one or two years later. People don't forget!

So, we've covered shopping, Black Friday, gifting, holiday music and movies, and some of the better things the holiday season has to offer. Now, go enjoy.

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Pint and the Pen Contest Entry

So, it's been a while since I've been able to post, but, I wanted to share something that I was working on. This is my entry for a contest that Bukowski's Tavern and Harpoon Brewery put together called "The Pint and the Pen Writing Contest. They ask for a short story of 500-750 words. The catch is it must also contain the words "pint" and "pen," along with names "Bukowski" and "Harpoon."

I wrote this in installments, a little bit at a time. At its original completion it was 900 words, and editing took a bit of life out of the story, but nevertheless, I sick of editing and I say that it is done. Enjoy?

Down Went the Whale

They say Charles Bukowski's alter ego was Chinaski, a pint-crashing, poetry-writing, bitch-smacking, barrel-chested, Donkey Kong of a man, who would pick a fight with anyone just to give people a show. And in 1994, when Bukowski died and his body went on to become a crust in the dirt, that alter ego lived on within another man named Ricky Mantis.
Ricky is my roommate. Every day he can be found hunched over, scribbling on mangled papers to hang above his bed. Some would call these scribblings poetry, which is usually questionable behavior around here, but questioning him will probably get your arms broken. So, if you enjoy having broken appendages, go for it.
It wasn't until two months after he moved in that the silence was broken. While in our beds, he turned over, growled his throat clear, and asked, “Can I have a pen?”
“You going to give it back?” I whispered.
“Never.”
“Can I get somethin' in return then? What you got?”
Mantis groaned. Slowly climbing to his knees on his bed, he reached for a paper on his wall and swiped it down with his bear claw. He held the crinkled paper with a stiff arm in front of him. “How about this?”
“What's that?” I asked.
“It's what you've been wondering about.”
“What do you mean?”
“You want it or not?” Mantis asked firmly.
Nerved and confused, the deal was final. A pen for a crumpled piece of paper that was tossed at me in the dark. Too dark to see, I held it for the next day.
At the side of the court, under the sun, waiting to ball, I took my part of the forced barter out from my pocket and read.

Asking her kindly to shut her blow hole may have been my first mistake,
Or was it the smashing of her window that made my fist break?
I can't remember it clearly,
But, my bottle was empty,
And there wasn't another near me,
So, the ground we stood was about to shake.

Luna, the slavestress, kept her head turned,
Patiently ignoring, slowly igniting.
One eye one the orca, and the other on the bottom
Of a glass half full with whiskey.
Grabbing the glass with the right,
The patron opposed,
So, my left left him wailing on the floor.

My reading was interrupted by a pass of the ball that slapped attention into my face. Juanito stood, bent-over laughing. It was his way of telling me it was my turn on the court. I placed the folded paper under the bench. At the game's end it was gone. I feared for the worst.
Later that day, in the mess hall, Juanito stood tall on his seat, while conversations pattered off. I watched with twitching nerves as he read Ricky's poem out loud to everyone. That is when I got to hear the ending and what Mantis had meant when he said, “It's what you've been wondering about.”

Luna, the screamstress, came running toward,
It was about time that her attention turned,
Asking for a drink, she declined.
Asking me to leave, so did I.
Luna pushed, splashing drinks,
Mantis took his fountain ink and
Plunged the pen through her blubber hand.
Luna then sank to the floor.

When police arrived they found,
The front glass window in pain,
A hunted whale of 300lbs and the patron man laying down.
It wasn't hard to see the source,
A six-foot four man bleeding out the fist.

Juanito left the mess hall in a stretcher. Ricky left in Juanito's blood. Mantis went away for two weeks on account of the beating. It was the longest two weeks of my life. If that's what he'd done to Juan, then what would he do to me? I only wondered.
When Mantis did come back, it wasn't long before he asked, “You think I'm going to beat you, huh?” I didn't say anything. “Well, let me tell you something. People make mistakes. That's why we are here. But, Juanito on the other hand,” Mantis paused. “Well, he deserved what he got.”
Finally, I could breathe. “So, you're not going to kill me?”
“No. You are my pen supplier. How else will I write?” Ricky cackled. “Hear they got a nickname for me.”
“Yeah. Ricky 'Harpoon' Mantis. You know, cause you stabbed the fat waitress.”
Ricky laughed harder. “Nice. I like it.”

The End.

I'll be at Bukowski's Tavern in Cambridge to see if I lost on the 26th. See you there?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Let's Smoke this City to the Filter

Good afternoon, clowns. Today, I am going to talk about what I've been thinking about lately, and those are a few things: global warming, what we do about it, and are wasteful tendencies as a species.

Okay, global warming... ta da! It's here! Global warming is something that I try not to care about and it's not because I don't care about the environment, but it is because our efforts to Go Green as the kids say is too little too late. If global warming is here like the scientists, or whoever the credible authoritative figures should be in this case, say it is, then we don't need to "go green," what we really need is a time machine to undo all the wrongdoings of the past seventy years or however long it would take. Sadly that's the way it is. And if this global warming is growing as rapidly as we see that it is, it leaves us with one question... Can going green really save anything?

Pretty much everyday of my life I go out and buy a beverage in a plastic bottle and if you are as cool as me, you probably do the same. Here's an alarming factiod for ya "About 30 million plastic bottles are being disposed Daily in the US - link them together and in a year, there will be enough to circle the Earth 15 times over." That disgusting, and that's only our countries plastic bottle waste. Ridiculous. Even though I find it absolutely repulsive that our country, other world inhabitants, and myself are producing so much waste, I do not plan to stop. Here's why. (First off, I would go green. I wouldn't like it, but I would. Only under the condition that everyone else did. Now you're probably thinking, "you should be a reasonable human being and take charge of your life and not have to wait around for the rest of the world to be a better earthling yourself." And you have a crappy point but to continue...) I would imagine because the GW is already here you cannot undo the effects that have already taken place, going green would have to be a massive global collaboration beginning the second you are reading this for any positive affect on the future. And my version of going green is not "I bought the hippie grocery bags to make myself look like a better person" or "I drive a hybrid so suck on my tail pipe." My version is one with maximum efficiency in recycling (note that I heard or read somewhere that only 15% of everything we recycle gets reused... makes the whole process seem like a waste in itself, don't it?)electric cars made out of glass, a lot less to no packaging on products, buying in bulk, etc... and when i mean less packaging on products I mean no box for a tube of toothpaste, or eliminating individually wrapped cashews. that shit has to go, they already serve no function in our lives. It would, in fact, be a convenience to remove them. Whatever. you get the point. I obviously wouldn't be the one in control of designing the ultimate go green project, some MIT losers would handle that.

Getting back to GW, who is to say that when the effects that are happening now come to full fruition that they won't be bad enough to put us flat on our asses and also how are we to predict how to deal with that changed version of earth? So, if you and your friends are going green and enjoy it, i say go for it and continue. I am not going to convince you to stop, I see that you are helping out. But, there's always a but when I'm in control, I also see it as a 1% versus the world of polluters type situation, making all of your efforts, not seemingly, but actually worthless. Pissing in the wind. But save the world, Captain Planet probably respects the shit out of you for it.

Obviously we don't know how things will pan out, but I will leave you with this. An old professor at the U of MA in Amherst once put a graph or some sort of chart that indicated that all or most of the worlds resources in less than 100 years from now will be very very low. remember when the water pipes burst a few months ago and people were getting into fights over bottles of water at the stores? I imagine that's what the world will be like a lot sooner when the real effects of global warming take places. I'm hope i'm dead and gone by then. All i'm saying is, if this world is the top of the slide, i'm shitting my pants down the whole way.

Tanks fo readin.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Wanna have a summer party in my basement?

Soooo.... I want anyone that reads this to post some suggestions for future blogs. Sometimes I'm just too awesome and ripped off Smirnoff Ices to really come up with anything that might be worth reading about, so if you have a soul, post an idea or two. Thanks! Also, if you need life advice, please post your shitty crisis (provide enough background information) and I promise to get your life on the right track or something.

I'm about to rip into some music "talent" that has been on the radio for the rest of this blog. So if you listen to the radio and feel like stabbing it like I do, then stick around and get ready to hate with me. BUT, if you think the music on the radio really speaks to who you are as a person, don't let me crap on your bad taste in music. Hit the bricks and come back for the next one, k? Oh, and don't forget to post some suggestions for the next blog so we can stay friends.

I feel like I'm sort of turning into my parents when I say the music on the radio is getting worse everyday, but I've been hating the radio for years, so this isn't new. What is new, is that I've actually been listening to the radio recently, I don't know why but when I get bored, I do dumb things, or listen to them for this matter. Now I don't have a problem with everything on the radio, there are crappy musicians that I can let live because they don't need to die, but some of these clowns need to go. on top of the list of "musicians" that i want to put in a rocketship and fly into the sun is...

Ke$ha! - The hippy valley girl. Her songs are so primitive and mindless that they are on par with drinking a bucket of paint while watching Twilight (Sorry tweens. I didn't mean to jab you like that. If it makes it any better I'm all for team Edward, cause I'm classic like that). First of all, it's pretty clear that no matter the situation (according to her lyrics) she's just out to black out, and to slurp on some cock. When she's not passed out in a pile of someone else's vomit, brushing her teeth with bottles of JAK, it's easy to assume she's clearly getting dicked. It's all fine and dandy I guess, but if she's any influence on the youth of today there's one thing we can count on - teen pregnancy (I've been eagerly waiting for teen pregnancy to make its comeback. So rock on, right?). Her sense of self importance is what really makes me hate her even more. Her song Tik Tok. So fucking dumb. That song alone makes me feel as though I could run Ke$ha over with a car as hard as I could and I wouldn't feel ANYTHING. Nothing. Her voice is just so shitty and annoying that I feel like that is exactly what she deserves. Some people deserve the Nobel Peace Prize. Ke$ha deserves to be run over by a car.

Another asshat to put on the rockship to the sun is... Jason Derulo. You might be asking yourself, "ohhh, I know him. He's the guy that bags my groceries at the market, right?" Well, unfortunately you're wrong. He's the new auto tune loser on the radio. He is one of the millions of original song writers that cleverly sampled Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek" and made a song called, "Whatcha Say" (I think that is what it's called, and if I'm wrong then you are a loser for knowing the real title). So, a while back I got interested and did a bit of investigating on this turd and came across a video interview of him just talking up a storm about how great he is, even comparing himself to Michael Jackson. He's a real humble guy. He had a shit ton to say for someone who made his fame off of another person's talent. In fact, I even dug up the video for everyone to feast on. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GK4wjLxuAc) Here is a list of things this shitbird had to say: "At the age of 5, I knew I was going to be a star and take over the world" Holy shit! Are you kidding me? "Other people cannot see my visions" Well, I could not have said it better myself, Jason. (now, he's talking about songs on his album) "There's fun songs, you know, about cancer and various things we are dealing with today" Well, first of all, I don't remember hearing that cancer is fun. I've never heard anyone say that ever. Various Things on the other hand have a lot of potential.
Okay. I'm done with Jason Derulo.

Since I like to bury people in three's, the third piece of shit I'm throwing in the fire today is... Bobby Ray. The song Airplanes is only saved by a guess spot from Hayley Williams from Paramore. There is no longer a rocketship going into the sun, its B.o.B. (Ke$ha and Jason Derulo) on Bobby Ray's Aiplane. That's the new aircraft going to the sun. Apparently this is the only song on the radio right now, cause it's everywhere. This guy, who I've never heard of, is rapping in this song like he is some sort of legend of the rap game, talking about how he rapped before the politics (what the fuck are you even saying man?), before people listened to his mixtape (why would they?). He just makes a claim that he's all about the music and keeps mentioning politics of the rap game. Dude is so full of shit that it's busting out of his mouth. The dude is like 21 years old acting like he even knew a day when rap wasn't about bitches, hoes and fo sho's. Seriously Bobby Ray, you can eating a dick and fuck the horse you rode in on, K, bro? I'm taking Hayley away from you before you ruin her too. I hope you payed her well to defame herself like that.

I hope I didn't crap in anyone's cereal today, but I felt like someone had to say something.

Oh yeah, gimme ideas. you made a promise to me by reading this.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Jack Dalton's True Hollywood Story

Some years back, about eight of them to be exact, I was a bit of a rebel. But, at sixteen, don't we all have that "I'm invincible!" attitude? So during my "I don't give a shit" days, I have under my belt somewhat of a true Hollywood story, only this story takes place on the island on Nantucket.

You see, before the movie Wedding Crashers made us laugh our dicks off, I crashed a few parties myself. They took place during my teen years while I was working as a caddie on Nantucket. During my nights off I would walk by a local venue called the Sconset Casino (not an actual casino) that hosts private functions for rich white people, plays movies for local folks on select nights, and is even hosts some of the Nantucket Film Festival. On a side note, I did crash the Nantucket Film Festival with a few friends one time, claiming to be extras from the movie Lord of the Rings, which I still haven't seen, and met Conan O'Brien. That dude is a giant.

So one night, there was quite a bash going on at the Sconset Casino, and since Nantucket isn't the most happening place for a sixteen your old kid whose friends are all dudes on the island, I decided that I was going to try and go in. Why not right? I'm sixteen, I'm not going to make a scene, and I can't get into trouble by trying, I'll just get kicked out. There were also rumors from friends that it was a certain someone's party. At the time I could have cared less, but it was the thought of doing something that I shouldn't be doing that motivated me. So near the entrance to the Sconset Casino were a few members of the function's staff. They were taking names as people were entering and I cleverly avoided them by just walking blatantly past them. That's a free tip folks. If you walk boldly past authority, they will be more likely to not question you.

So I walked past the bozos at the front and then I was hit by this younger girl that was probably the most manly looking creature I've seen to this date. Of course, I stuck out like a sore thumb because I was wearing a t-shirt to a suit and tie occasion and that's probably the reason why I was stopped. She inquired to who I was and what I was doing at this function. At this point I should mention she is the daughter to one of the birthday boys of the evening, not the famous birthday boy, but the birthday boys wealthy friend, probably the actual birthday boy. She is also the type of person that everyone hates, by default she is visually offensive, but more so because, well, she was kind of a bitch. I tried to buddy with her for the sake that this party could be more interesting than anything else I could have done that night and she still insisted on being a bitch and asking me to leave. After pretending to leave, I was able to avoid the Grimace looking girl and make my way to the abundantly stocked open bar. Now, there was the bar where you had to order mixed drinks and there were beers in bottles packed in ice on the tables, so I grabbed myself a beer, or three, and watched the live band playing on the stage, from nearby.

My tactic at this point was to just hang out and enjoy the fact that I'm around a bunch of strangers, listening to live music and drinking some beers. Continuing that strategy is the safe play in this situation because I can not lose. I've already succeeded in crashing the party, drank a couple of beers and I'm getting entertained by the band. But, getting away with things is addictive, you always want to take that feeling of doing something wrong to the next level and that's what I did.

The singer of the band asked if there were any kids in the crowd that wanted to come up and sing with the band for the next song. Standing next to the stage I thought "sure... I'm a kid" and I jumped up on up. Not knowing what the song was going to be, standing on stage in front of the entire party with about fifteen small childrennext to me, holding a microphone, I sang "I'm a Believer" made famous by The Monkees and made believers out of the entire party. I even ended the song by slapping a cymbal and high-fiving every child that was on stage with me. From the back windows of the function room I could see friends and co-workers staring through the windows at me in complete disbelief that I had done what I had just did.

Now I did mention that this was a true Hollywood story, and it is, well, sort of, so this is the part where the Hollywood part comes in, if applicable. Any New England Patriot Fans out there? While walking down the steps from the stage I was greeted by the birthday boy himself, Coach Bill Belichick. (Now some of you out there may look up his actual birthday and it is sometime in April but it was made clear to me by the Grimace girl that it was a joint-birthday celebration. Thanks grimace!) At this point I felt like the man because I did something quite bold, for me that is. And as I walked down the steps and saw him, I thought "oh shit. he's going to personally escort me out of the party." But to my surprise, he instead shook my hand, asked me my name and told me what a great job I did. I was a bit thunderstruck by that to be honest.

I don't know how drunk he was, but if anyone knows me, I have a terrible singing voice. If he wasn't drunk then, he would have been soon, as he was walking on stage to sing "Love Potion Number Nine," where he took a big swig from a flask that he brought on stage with him instead of actually singing the parts "love potion number nine" and that is where everyone in the party filled in the words.

I also did steal a party favor from a table and I have it somewhere, but it's hardly proof of my party crash, because it is a CD. I'm sure I could find someone to testify to the size of my balls that night.

And that is the story of how Bill Belichick met me.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Maxim's Top 100 Hot List

Hey! What's up, everyone? School is pretty much out for the summer, so that means more blogs. YOOOOO!!!!

Okay, so last night, on my way into work, I stopped at the infamous Walgreens and picked up the new Maxim magazine. Why you ask? Cause I'm a guy and guys like the stupid information that they put in the magazine and the pictures of good-looking women. I must say that last night I didn't even get to the magazine because I was way too distracted by the Maxim's Hot 100 List supplement that they included with the magazine. For those that don't know what that is, first of all, you are a dummy, and second it is a list of the top 100 most beautiful women... according to Maxim magazine.

I'd like to begin talking about the Maxim's most beautiful fallen angels - the girls that used to rock the top 100 and now just are on the list out of nostalgia or they themselves are just out not up to par.

1. Britney Spears - What happened? she used to be straight up ridiculous, but at the same time she wasn't necessarily a full grown woman. so age hasn't treated her well i guess. either that or the kids she had are dragging her down. or kevin federline. whatever it is, she's fallen dramatically to #54. tough break. well, not really. I can't believe she's still considered for this list at all. she's a bit of a hag now. but back in the day. damn, she was hot.

2. Angelina Jolie - Now she's not exactly a bad looking woman by any means. it kind of hurts to see her at spot #38 on the list. I guess she can't hog the list forever. still deserves to be there though cause i think she is gorgeous.

3. Jessica Alba - She's a lot better than #34. come on, Maxim. She's a babe. in fact, if she was a president, she'd be Baberaham Lincoln.

4. Jessica Biel - She was all the rage the past few years. why is she now at #32 I just realized Justin Timberlake banged both Britney Spears and Jessica Biel. What a lucky son of a bitch.

Okay, so clearly those girls couldn't be the hottest forever and I realize that, and i am okay with that, but let's take a look at some girls that I think just shouldn't be on the list.

Lilly Allen - Gross. #75

Ke$ha - #56. Somehow she's more beautiful than a bunch of models. that sound about right - nope.

Anna Faris - She's cute and I like her comedies a little bit but she, like Kesha, is not hotter than the pile of models behind her. she's number 42.

Amanda Bynes - Amanda Bynes? What? #15. We're being punk'd, right? Where's Ashton?

I think we can all agree that those morons do not belong on the list of 100 most beautiful women. It's like they are taking up space on a list of awesomeness. Speaking of taking up space on the list, why are all of these random European models here? It's not that they aren't beautiful, but it's hard to place them on a list like this. We have a list of celebrities and then there are no-name models mixed in here and its hard to figure out who they are. It's like if i made a list of 100 most beautiful famous women and included a bunch of people that I know. yes, they are pretty, but it would be nice to know who they are.

Okay, here are some women that I am happy to see on the list.

1. At number 94. Kelly Ripa... She's mad cheesy on that show with Regis (who I hate cause he's a piece of dust) but I have to admit that she is a good-looking woman. She's pretty, and in really great shape. She make the kind of effort that I think deserves her a spot on the list. I understand if you disagree though, she's mad annoying.

2. Zooey Deschanel. - #73... i'll get to her later.

3. Kristen Bell - She's a babe and you know what else? she's a babe. I am glad she's on the list. She's in my person top 20 but Maxim says shes #52. just happy to see she's on the list though.

4. Emma Stone - She was in the movie Superbad and she's a super babe.

5. Taylor Swift - Her music is for dumbasses but she is adorable. I think she is a nice girl. she just seems like a sweatheart. the kind of sweatheart i want to do sex with.

okay, MOST UNDER-RATED

Scarlett Johansson - She's number 14. just under Amanda Bynes for some reason. It doesn't get much better than her. She's insanely beautiful. If a girl like her talked to me I think she head would fall off.

But lets talk about Number 1. The big winner. The most beautiful woman of 2010 according to Maxim... Katy Perry. Now, hold on.
Zooey Deschanel is #73 on the left. Katy Perry. #1 on the right.



How do two women that look very much alike end up on the opposite ends of the spectrum? okay, Katy Perry does have a better body, you're right. I guess Zooey Deschanel should just be more like Katy Perry.

Anyway, Maxim's top 100 hot list for 2010 is strange. I don't even know what else to say about it. Pick it up and you'll see what i mean. or don't cause you've read my blog and know what's up. i got to run errands now, so peace out clowns.

Monday, May 3, 2010

No Coffee = Crazy People

So Saturday, the water pipes broke in the north-of-Boston region, and it's screwing things up bad. Take away our water supply and you have an entire population on their knees. I have to use bottled water to brush my goddamn teeth, which i keep forgetting about. So I have cleaned my teeth, but in the process I may have ingested some sort of bacteria that could eat my heart out like Bruce Springsteen. So then I rinse my mouth out with mouthwash and even swallowing some in the hopes that it catches up to the water that I may have drank and kills the badness within it. That's thinking realistically, right? No, but it allows me to sleep at night.

So without drinking water or easily accessible tap water, which for the most part is pretty good in terms of cleanliness and drinkable nature we north-of-Bostonians have had to purchase bottles and gallons of water. awesome. It's actually further from a problem for me considering that's just something that I already do, but someone out there has been inconvenienced, and for that guy out there, I shout towards the clouds at full volume, "RAT FARTS!".

Speaking of inconvenience, the number one inconvenience this far, besides the teeth-brushing, water-ingesting ordeals, which I might add have happened a few times per day since the pipe exploding, has been the lack of available iced coffees, or coffees in general. Taking away water from hundreds of thousands of people has been crazy as it is, but take away everyone's favorite source of caffeine? Now, you are fucking with big trouble, especially since both water and coffee are out of the picture. I'm surprised people haven't rioted and looted self-brewed coffee from their local Dunkin Donuts yet. After leaving the house today for the first time since Saturday, I felt the anxiety of no coffee first hand. I went to D&D and it was closed, So I got in my car and raced to Starbucks - closed.

I found myself to be like an addict, thinking of ways I could get an iced coffee, and eventually realized that I lost the battle before it had begun. This will be the case for the next few days. It must be interesting to see the people with real jobs desperate for coffee, I'm just a nobody with a sweet tooth for caffeine. Perhaps I'll get a taste of coffee tomorrow. I'll make a lot of it, so i can take it with me to school. That would be a great idea. no? I could stand in front of the closed Dunkin Donuts which is next to the train station and sell coffee in the morning, made with bottled water, $3 a pop, that shit would sell. but then i'd have to buy cups, straws, sugar, cream, milk, sweet and low, containers to store ice, which i'd have to make from bottled water, and then my good idea of selling iced coffee makes me poorer than i started because it isn't a practical investment because it would have to turn a profit in two days and who would buy coffee from a stranger on the sidewalk?

ok fuck it, i won't wheel and deal coffee on the sidewalk, it was a bad idea, i know, but i wasn't serious about it either, so it's okay. right? we cool?

So take away easily accessible drinking water and coffee, and what do you get? A bunch of crazies. keep an eye out for them today and the next couple because they are out there. confused and irritable. just be extra nice, cause if you mess with someone when they haven't had their coffee in the morning they will probably bite your head off, or smash your face into a jelly. Combining a lack of coffee with a lack of water, and it could mean that the folks that walks the streets everyday are a bit dehydrated (as well as decaffeinated), which could also effect their ability to think normally. so let's just say there are definitely going to be some loose canons out there. so keep calm, act nicely, and stay out of the way.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Humanity goes back a step

So it's a Saturday afternoon and my friend john and I are at a pizza place/liquor store and a couple of morons come running in, talking about a shooting. Yes, like bang-bang, guns are out, people are on the verge of death type of shooting. Now, in my 24 years of living in Revere, I have only heard of such a thing a couple of times, and although these circumstances are sad, I couldn't help but take the situation to heart, well sort of. At first the jokes came about, but then it was the reaction of the people around me that made me feel like shit. I can usually make jokes about terrible situations but this type of thing was just beyond my discretion, and if you find humor in someone's death or serious injjury, then you truly are a horrible person.

I walked onto the sidewalk and looked down toward the person that had been shot about 100 yards away. It still didn't seem real that a person had been shot three times. one moment i am enjoying a slice of pizza and the next, I am looking down a sidewalk at an unclear image of a man laying on concrete with his shirt off. A woman was tending to him. It didn't seem real. People were coming out of the woodwork appearing on the sidewalk, like myself, unsure of what was happening. The nature of what was happening didn't settle in until I heard some terrible human-being talk about how someone should take a video of the man so they could watch it.

I still can't get over the insanity of of this girl's request. That is a pretty fucked-up to suggest that someone should take a video via phone or camera of someone that had just been shot three times. What would you get out of watching a video like that? it is just completely immoral to video someone in complete agony? what do people get out of another's demise that they need to watch it. that kind of shit is so for sick freaks. what if the unlucky person that had been shot what your cousin or uncle? shouldn't these be thing things to think of before one suggests a video be taken of a man that had been shot.

way to go humanity. you suck again.

Friday, April 16, 2010

I Hope That Their Heads Fall Off

In light of Boston being graced with the presence of the most popular hockey mom in the United States, I thought I would go over how much I don't like her and another republican on television, Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Well, Matt Damon really said it best about Sarah Palin when he commented on how absurd it was the she was even mentioned as a candidate for vice president. Her situation is truly a bad, Disney movie, where the hockey mom suddenly becomes president. She is just one of those people that you wish wasn't a person, but is. Her voice alone is horrible, she's always shouting. Why all the shouting Sarah!? The way she speaks is even worse, talking like she just got back from some Nascar event or a rodeo. And why is she always wearing that red coat? Doesn't she own anything other than that red coat?

She is really no better than anyone else that I could think of for a vice president candidate. She is dumber than bricks - it's true. A few months ago, I was watching 60 Minutes (I know, very old manish of me but anyway)and they had a really interesting segment about the 2008 campaigns. The people that were working on McCain/Palin campaign commented on how Sarah needed to be taught all of American history because she just didn't know any, including all of the wars the U.S. has been involved in. What kind of political figure doesn't know the past 100 years of his/her country's history? It makes me nauseous to think that someone could be that close to presidency, and just not know what happened during the World Wars. Also while preparing her for the vice-president debates, they found that she really couldn't answer a lot of questions, and had to take a long break and discuss why she didn't know anything. This makes the interview with Katie Couric a realistic representation of Sarah Palin.

A tiny part of me wishes that I did go to the "Tea Party," so that I would have a bit more ammo to talk about how dumb she is but I had something better to do... nothing. You know, what makes me laugh the hardest about the "Tea Party" is that they complain about the taxes, but during the event the people cost the tax payers even more money by the state having to puts extra cops on duty and among other costs I imagine. Ironic? Dumb? Both!

So who else is just as dumb as Sarah Palin? Elisabeth Hasselbeck. If you are thinking "Who is fuck is Elisabeth Hasselbeck?," then you are thinking correctly. Don't worry your brain isn't broken or anything. She is one of the people on the crappy tv talk show "The View" were a bunch of loser celebrities talk about nonsense till you consider blowing your brains out. Once in a while I'll catch a video on the youtube of her and its usually concerning politics. She is a hardcore republican that cannot debate her views. Ironic? Probably. Go ahead and youtube her trying to talk politics - it's great. She just starts saying things that are not even true. She embodies the reason why talking politics is a waste of time in most cases. When you have someone that doesn't like to listen to facts or reasons and just keeps restating fake facts to reassure that she is right, then you have an idiot like her. She's basically a robot that is programmed to disagree with any type of view that isn't completely to the right. I hope someone drops an anvil on her face. There is no point to her.

That's all I got. Those women are horrible. I hope their heads fall off.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Life and the Wall

I just read the blog of a guy who is in one of my favorite bands The Lawrence Arms (http://badsandwichchronicles.blogspot.com/) and he just really said what has been on my mind lately. I'll get into it in my own way, and I'd hate to make you stop reading now, but I'll warn you (cause it's only fair and shit) that it going to be another serious one. But I'll mix in some laughs to keep ya going.

*Also, this will be very ranty, won't make much sense, and sound bitter, but we all think about this stuff on some level or at some point. So hear it out for a little bit but feel free to stop reading at any point. ya hear?

So I was thinking the other day, and I'm not sure if it was in class, at work, while I was sleeping, or doing a crazy amount of homework, - I can't tell any of these aspects of my run-of-the-mill life apart anymore because they run together like... workout buddies. but I was thinking about... well, a lot of shit: worries, the point of life, why achieving anything might be worth while, and in general a look back on life from the end to ask was is all worth it? and what is next? (note, I am not planning on killing myself or anything so relax, its just me facing these free thoughts that I believe everyone has at one point or another in their life)

Let's start with everyone's fears of worrying and run into the other topics in a big messy fashion, because that's how it's going down this time. We, as a people, all have our own worries. Large or small, they are there. Some people worry if they will make it to McDonald's before they stop serving breakfast, some people worry about catching the next train to go to work so their slob of a boss won't write them up, and then their are larger worries, like will I pay mortgage on time before I get booted to the gutters or will terrorists shoebomb my next flight out to Delaware. Setting aside larger worries, because we generally don't face them on a daily basis, maybe they are reoccurring thoughts, but not daily. Let's focus on daily worries. For the past six months, I have been dealing with them and it is unnecessarily unnerving. Whether I'll make it to work on time or whether I'll get my assignments in on time, it's all bullshit. Let's go back to two weeks ago and you'll see what I mean. I worried for a few days about a presentation that I had to do because my group was a bit overbearing and indecisive and I haven't received my grade at all yet, but since it has passed I can honestly say I do not give a shit. It was 3 minutes of me talking in front of 25 people and they probably couldn't even recall what I said after I finished. A large portion of these people don't even know my name. It was that insignificant. And come to think about it, most experiences in life are that pointless. It's things that make you worry until they pass by and never mean anything to you again that are bullshit. I think I've made my point but why do we let these things control our temperament and give us the endless pit feeling in our stomachs. Its the getting kicked into the gutter after not paying mortgage that should really be the worry. okay enough, i'm sick of complaining about worrying, what's next?

Oh great. The point to life. It is hard to say really. right? I mean, we have families, and these people are important to us, and then we have our own families and we are important to each other and then the cycle repeats after we become a crust in the dirt. It seems like the point of life to create more life, but for what? for the cycle to be continuous and never end? what is the incentive to life besides these bonds we make with our fellow human beings. This will start to stray from the point, but I warned you, this wasn't going to make sense or be reasonably coherent. I mean look at the subjects that I promised to cover, nobody has the answer to this shit. ANYWAY, looking at my own life, I chose the path of dedicating most of my life in the education system as a learner. What kills me the most is to come to learn that I will not in fact learn everything. Everyone hits a wall in their abilities to do anything, and there are things that I and everyone else in the world cannot learn. and this doesn't go for just learning, we can compare this with an ability to do anything. everyone hits a wall. There are prodigies like Doogie Howser M.D. that becomes a doctor at the age of 14 and everyone thinks he is a god. but even he plateaus, as you see, when he is 30 and if he stayed on that career path he will become a 30 year old doctor, along with his other 30 year old doctor colleagues. so what was the point? what was the rush? and was it worth it Doogie? you life-saving little bitch!

So this brings me to the point about achievement, and this might also fall under a number of the topics, and even relate to the previous blog in an odd way, but will these achievements be worth it? In the end, Doogie and the rest of us will all be piles of dust. I mean, I have pipe-dreams of doing some traveling, reading a crazy number of books slowly over time, marrying Natalie Portman, even writing a movie, but these are the things that mean something to me and my time of this block. But I think in the end we will all be humbled to realize that not all of our pipe-dreams will come true. What we will learn through trying to achieve and by chasing all of the pipe-dreams is that not all of them will be tangible. in some way, we will hit the wall I was talking about earlier. When and if that happens for me, I am not sure how I will deal with settling with mediocrity, especially knowing that life comes and goes all too quickly. At the age of 24, I sit knowing my fate. Never being able to live or become the ideal version of myself, nobody will. Of course this ideal is constantly changing even by the second, but for now most of my goals are tangible. Knowing this fate, as I stated, does not mean this I have given up. I would like to think that although I am not a professional anything yet, I do work hard. I give school assignments a great effort, I always show up and try hard at jobs I know I won't have forever, and make time for the people the matter to me and even if I do not make time, they never are far from the brain. I believe the idea of making a living, and certain life goals can stop one from achieving the others. and sometimes it comes with having to choose one over the other, or one first and then another. This is all up to the self and prioritizing, but then the process could get too mechanical, for me at least.

Okay, so I've avoided answering all of the questions this far except the last one.

What is next? or What is after this life? is there is an afterlife? Lets pretend that there is an afterlife. and this is where everyone reading this blog will hit the wall that i was talking about earlier. no matter what you tell me, it is not the truth, and if it is, there is no way to know without experience it. that is to say that no living person knows what the afterlife is, based on the notion that there is one. and that my friends, is the wall. Thinking about the unthinkable.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

The Best and the Worst in Life

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Monday, March 22, 2010

The Wonders of Walgreens

So, if you read my first blog, or know what I am up to these days, then you would know that I work in Boston a couple of nights a week and since I work overnight, before going to work, I usually stock up on a few items at the Walgreen's across the street. For most people going to the store to get some stuff is a pretty regular thing but I assure you this Walgreen's is never a normal experience.

Before entering the store there is usually a few loitering bums or crackjunkies sitting outside asking you for money, in particular change. They seem to really like change. Now the bums/crackjunkies usually change up between a polite, complement-giving black bum, to a couple of young, wierdo crackjunkies. The polite black bum has given me such complements as "handsome," "nice glasses," and calling me a friend. Sometimes I don't even give him money and he just complements me. He has a real gift at buttering people up. He's probably the most charming bum around and much better than the others. Now, the heroine snorting crackheads on the other hand are rather obnoxious and say things that aren't even coherent except for "change." Now, I say couple because they are in fact a couple. I don't think that I have ever seen a younger couple like this out on the street before. If they kicked the crack rock, they could probably be functioning people with normal lives, especially the girl. Like, if she gave up the hard drugs, and she took a shower and put on normal clothes, she could probably be a human being. Women are much more marketable into bringing back into real life as I would imagine, right? Anyways, I hope they are saving money for showers soon so they can become people again, because that would be the first step into coming back into society. From there? Well, applying for a job would be the next step, or a library card. I have no idea. What do you do in that situation?

Okay, so I am in Walgreen's, and every person shopping there is stupid. Standing in line sometimes takes 10 minutes, not because the people behind the counter can't do their jobs right, it's usually because of the douches in line that don't know how to buy things. They have a real issue with giving money to the clerks. Now while that is happening, some dumbasses usually force their way through the wrong automatic door which is awesome to watch because the door doesn't really open they way that they want it to, and they are going full force when they could have used the door next to it with ease. It's like watching the ending to American Gladiators and the people have to choose which door to go through and hope a gladiator isn't there to ruin there day, it's the same struggle.

So I walk around for the items I want, usually a Coke, Amp, or a green tea and something like a Powerbar. All the while, this bag lady, is always in there. I don't think she works there, because she is never is uniform or wearing a name tag, but she is always there. She watches everyone shop with her googly eyes. She'll be "looking at you", but her eyes are elsewhere. She'll follow people around suspecting that they are stealing and she'll tell the employees who just say "don't worry (insert bag lady's name here)." They just brush her off because I'm pretty sure she's just a loitering, paranoid bag lady. Having her follow you around is just the most uncomfortable thing ever. She's like a terrible lingering odor that you just can't get away from you. Every turn you take she there. You could be in the first isle and run to the last one and she there. She's a true creep.

Now, every time I buy my Powerbar, they give me a coupon to put toward my next purchase of a Powerbar. I was never a fan of coupons, and it would seem pretty cool that you could hypothetically keep buying your Powerbar for a discounted rate every time you go in there, but that is not the case. After accumulating about five coupons in my backpack, I decided that if they were going to keep giving me these things, I'm just going to have to keep giving them back. I just didn't want anymore of these to end up in my backpack. I just wouldn't have it. So one day I pulled up to the register and hand them my coupon and wouldn't you know that it doesn't work. None of them work. I didn't care, I just told them to ring me up without it because it doesn't matter that I save fifty cents on a Powerbar, I just didn't want the coupons anymore. After I buy my shit, I try and leave and the guy asks me if I want my coupon. Normally I would have taken it and thrown it in the backpack, but I couldn't believe this guy was serious. So I said, "Didn't we just go over this? They don't work, remember? Why would I want a coupon that doesn't work?" He was a younger guy and he saw the humor in this so we both laughed it off, but really Walreen's guy?

I guess that it's not news that a Walgreen's has some sketchy people lurking around there, but because of a large request to hear about my experiences there, I had to post about it. I am not sure what me next post will be about but, hopefully that will come in the next few days. If you have any ideas, lay them on me. Until next time, snooch to the nooch.

Monday, March 15, 2010

I Accept Your Apology, I Think....

Months ago, you heard (unless you were in a coma)that beloved United States professional golfer, Eldrick Tont Woods a.k.a. Tiger, was unfaithful to his super-hot wife Elin. I don't know how, but Tiger got bored of this http://www.golfsetbase.com/images/upload/Image/Elin%20woods.jpg . The infamous "car accident" was the big tip-off to the whole fiasco. Shortly after we hear that Tiger has had a bunch of affairs with random waitresses and other women. The press tried their hardest to get all the dirty, dirt-dirt that they could, but nobody knew the extent of anything for the longest time, as he and the Woods family remained private about everything.

Then one day I'm sitting at home playing the old XBOX. In all honesty, I was playing Tiger '09 and I was just about to play Tiger Woods because it was one of the challenge things and my dad runs up the stairs anticipating Tiger's apology speech. I had no idea that he was about to make a public apology in the first place and "to who?" I wondered. Besides his wicked-hot wife Elin and his family, who did Tiger Woods really need to publicly apologize to? I am not a big fan of adultery or anything, but you know what? Tiger Woods is a grown man. He made his decisions and that is that.

Tiger doesn't need to apologize to...

-the PGA for being unfaithful. People are unfaithful all the time. If the guy that works at Dunkin' Donuts has an affair, he doesn't have to apologize to the company. Do the girls that had the affairs with Tiger have to apologize to their employers too?

-the companies that endorse him. He has made them so much money that they can happily continue without being affiliated with him. It's not like Nike, Gatorade, and all of the others will go broke because Tiger had affairs. They were well-established before he came along.

-all of his fans. perhaps the younger kids that look-up to him, he can state that what he did was wrong, but he isn't the first famous athlete to carry-on after an affair. What about Kobe Bryant? he supposedly raped a 19-year-old girl, and I bet nobody even remembers that happened. Isn't that something that should worry people more? Tiger has consensual sex with women other than his wife and it is the worst thing in the world, but Kobe allegedly rapes a girl and that isn't nearly as bad? this worries me.
For the rest of his fans, he owes no apology. He didn't cheat on us, he was not in some sort of contract with his fans that said he would always do the right thing. As a fan of Tiger Woods, I do not hold this against him in any way. He is still a favorite athlete of mine. A memorable moment for me includes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1I55z-x6zc . Yeah, he's that dirty.

While watching the press conference where he had to embarrassingly state that he had affairs and apologize to people who he owes nothing to, was just sickening. Yeah, he made some mistakes and he is going about fixing them, but does he need to be humiliated in the process? We are talking about a guy that is worth about a billion dollars. Do you know what could be done with a billion dollars? I won't even bother posting the possibilities but if I did, you wouldn't see "embarrassingly apologize to millions of people for private matters" in the list.

So after I watched the unnecessary apology, which did not matter at all to me, I proceeded to play him in the Tiger '09 golf challenge and kicked his sorry ass. If anything, that is what he needed most. So, whatever comes out of this at all, I hope that he continues to play golf, because he is arguably the best athlete in the world. He has accomplished more than anyone else has in their sport ever.

So Tiger Woods, if you are reading this, I give you back your apology. You didn't owe me one. Oh yeah, and if you and your hot wife get divorced, would it be cool if I called her sometime?

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Case in Point

okay. my head is bumping right now because i drank a whole lot last night, so i'll make it quick.

my friend Alex, a wise old sage, presents the theory that "the ratio of how dumb you are and how many girls you get is very closely linked." and this is true. Girls don't want the guy that is being a normal person at the party, they want the guy that's wearing the dumbass hat or the guy who is proving that he can shotgun 100 beers in a row. girls are, for whatever reason, infatuated with the silly and absurd. The reason being, and you can not blame them, is because they are seeking someone "exciting." yeah, okay. i can see that. you don't want to waste your time with someone boring, but why does it always come to be such a surprise to girls when the same guy running around the party tazing other dudes in the nuts turned out to be a douche bag? it is the inevitable. a boring guy like myself watches this happen all the time. there is nothing to really do about it but acknowledge the issue.

girls date these losers with the notion that he is good-looking, fun, interesting, and a bad boy, because after all he goes against the grain of society. a bad boy is the key in all of this. a bad boy represents something that they can not have or possess, and it is human nature to need to have what cannot be had. so for girls, this is a symbol of their status. being the girl that tamed the bad boy means a lot.

but at the end of the day, we know she is pretending the entire time. we know that she pretends that he isn't a dick. her happiness is completely compromised for her to wear bad-boy status symbol on her arm. every time he does something douchey, she rolls her eyes and says "boys will be boys," but you and i know that people will be people, and douches will be douches. generally speaking if your guy's friends are douches, then so is he. just because he is better looking that them, doesn't make him exempt from being a douche.

if you are a girl, don't fall into the scheme of dating a douche bag. i would suggest that you assess every guy and his friends, and think to yourself for a second "is he a douche?" before dating him ...it's not like i have a vendetta against douchebags or something, i'm sure someone out there thinks that i am one. anyway, the point being, girls need to start evaluating their potential partners better. they should hold out for something better.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

What's that on your face... book?

My head is throbbing from writing papers all morning and going to school for 5 hours straight, so I thought what better time to post another blog.

Someone actually read my previous post and requested that I continue this. So Regis Philbin, this is for you buddy. Tonight's blog will talk about the phenomenon of what I like to call active-biographical internet web pages.

So saddle-up.

Back in 1999, when signing onto the internet sounded like static radio and a velocirapter being tasered, the first active-biographical internet web page was born. God named this web page Live Journal. Live Journal was a site were you and your friends could write blogs about your first day at high school, how you think girls look better with their clothes off, or how your dad got arrested for stealing hot dogs from the Hess gas station again. Whatever it was that was going on in your life at the time you could just blog about it, and your friends would leave you comments on you blogs and say things like, "yes, i too am closed-minded and think that way," or "don't kill yourself, but if you do make sure you give me back my Dashboard Confessional cd first." This was always my favorite of all of the biographical web pages because it was a real blog. you could keep it for yourself and it didn't matter if other people read it, because after all it was a JOURNAL. But a few years after, Live Journal died. Along with its bullshit replicating websites like Dead Journal. don't get me wrong, Live Journal still very much exists, and I find that astounding because people are basically illiterate these days.

After the Live Journal days of having one tiny photo and nothing but blog, came Friendster, which was the ultimate fail in creating a networking website. It was difficult to use, and generally a pain in the ass. It opted to host more pictures than Live Journal but was more interested in bits of information about yourself and you couldn't blog or write about your life, you could only write on other people's pages and say "hey you are my friend in real life. wow this is cool." but honestly, it wasn't.

Shortly after Myspace emerged onto the scene as a user-friendly wayyyyy cooler web site people started jumping ship. Why not right? everyone was signing onto Myspace cause you could post pictures, find people easily, listen to some music, make posts to your friends, comment on pictures and later would allow you to blog. wow holy shit, right? this was like when they unveiled Super Mario Bros 3 in the movie The Wizard - people were just blown away and obsessed... that is until...

Facebook!

But first, two dudes created a web page called ConnectU, which was basically the original Facebook. The guy that made Facebook robbed these guys of the idea and millions of dollars later he's sitting nice because he did the right thing and stole an idea and made mad money off of it.

okay, now Facebook.
We are all on it. We all know the ins and outs about it. so why bother informing you about it? There is a big secret that you don't know about Facebook and that is... nothing. I don't have any secrets about Facebook, but what I really wanted to talk about Facebook for, was to make fun of the people that are on it, myself included.
I'll make a list.
1. People that tell you way too much information. Not like "oh my god, I can't believe you just said that, you are crazy girlfriend" too much information, I am talking about "I just took a shower" or "I am working" or "three birds just flew by my window." It's time these people just dropped dead. Nobody gives a shit about this nonsense, so stop posting it.
2. People that you don't know you that want to be your friend. I am not talking about some good-looking girl that you might actually want to be friends with so you can bone her later, or someone that is a friend of your friends and wants to be your friend (oh boy, i need a nap after that one.) I am talking about someone whose name or face does not appear to be familiar at all. If you are this person, stop being a total creep and make some real friends.
3. People that lie or bend the truth about the information in their info pages. Don't just write that you listen The Shins because you think its cool to say that you listen to the shins. it's dumb. this also goes for things like movies and books. stop trying to impress everyone, your looking like a jackass trying so hard.
4. Stop narrating your lives! I don't need to read "I just got to work, I'll be here till 4, then work, then gym, then going to dinner with my cat." If i needed to know that information, then you would have called me to tell me it. Not all 800 of your friends need to know about your less than average day, and about 5 of your friends are the ones who might give a shit.
5. If you were going on vacation, would you really want everyone to know? Should you really be telling people that your home or apartment will be left unattended for the next two weeks and available to be robbed at any moment? you never thought about that did you? you were too busy being a show off and bragging about your super cool vacation.
6. Another ball buster of a status update is when someone writes something alarming when all they want is for other people to feel bad for them. like the post would be something like "could this day get any worse?" and then everyone will be like "what's the matter are you all right?", "do you need me to come over?" or "your boyfriend didn't beat you again did he?" stop begging for sympathy and attention. its pathetic and quite frankly makes you sound desperately needy.
7. People you know that see and talk to each other all the time that hog each others facebook walls. everyone knows that they are very close because they have a million pictures together on facebook and are seen together all the time, and they take up each others facebook wall. what is this? you see one another way to much to do that. you are probably hanging out together while doing it. stop. its weird and unnecessary.

i am out of things that i hate about people on facebook for now, but i am sure that the best and brightest (the readers of this blog) can help me out in finishing this up. leave a comment about the people or things that make you sick about facebook users. but remember facebook itself is awesome. it is a guilty pleasure that we love to hate but hate to love. so embrace the mess that is facebook, and i'll leave you a comment on you facebook wall to make you look cool.

that's it for now, i'll see you on the other side.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Nights and Days and a Tired Mind

So lately, I've been working overnights at a beauty store...

Woah, woah, woah. Hold on. Welcome to my blog about stupid shit. This is the first entry and this should set the tone for the rest of the ride.

Anyway... So lately, I've been working overnights at a beauty store. If your wondering the name, let's just say it begins with the letter "S" and ends with "ephora." No complaints about working there really, in fact its fairly easy going, but it requires that I begin working at 9PM. As you can imagine, at 9PM, what I really want to do is nothing, but instead I begin working. The first hour isn't something I mind too much because the female staff that work there is still hanging around doing whatever, and honestly, they are pretty good looking. The eye candy is much appreciated. But after that is just work and no play. The dudes I work with are pretty chill and I don't have a boss that's on my balls all the time so in general, I can't complain but I do the same thing every day so it gets to be annoying. Fast.
I didn't write this to complain about a job that I don't mind, so I'll get to the point. Work ends at 6AM, and I am home by 7. Folks with normal jobs start waking up at this point and I am ready for dinner, which I should point out is most often a bagel because lunch and dinner aren't real options at this point unless I make it myself and at this point in the morning I have no intention of grilling myself a nice steak because I'm pretty tired from working and I'm just not motivated to do that. So about 930AM I go to bed and wake up at about 4PM. And when I wake up, I have breakfast because that is what normal people do when they wake up. So after working my two nights at the beauty store, I have eaten about six breakfasts in a row and need to work on getting a real schedule back on track. Part of getting back on normal time for the rest of my week, where I am a full-time student and have other odd part-time jobs (substitute teaching, and screen-printing assistant), means I must stay up for strange amounts of hours trying to get a normal schedule back. Right now, I've been awake for 27 hours.
The result of the odd sleeping schedule and staying up for a crazy amounts of hours is my humorous imagination that makes me just think of stupid things and I actually laugh out loud. This has happened in my classes and on trains, and while I am working. I am going mad.
For instance, the other day I was on the train and I had been awake for about 45 hours or something and thought it would be funny to say, "See you later, LOSERS!" to strangers leaving the train. I didn't actually do this of course, because if I did, I'd be typing this from an institution instead of my bed. But I did think of this scenario and did laugh a little bit. Hopefully nobody on the train noticed but who cares if they did, right?
Another instance of my tired imagination getting the best of me would be when I was in class yesterday. This guy was giving a presentation on who-knows-what-the-fuck and all I could think about was how he was dressed like the crocodile hunter, and had a quick sudden burst of laughter that forced me to bite the inside of my mouth and cough out my laugh so it wouldn't be obvious that I was being a freak in the corner.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I can't leave this job because unfortunately it's my only stable paycheck because my other part time jobs are on-call type situations, but at the same time it is costing me my sanity. I'm not sure which is worth more or worth keeping.

I have some ideas for next few blogs, so keep checking in or continue living your life without reading this blog.
Potential future blog topics:
Tiger Woods
Dental Care
The morons that shop at Walgreens
Facebook
Other things
Of course reader suggestions will be taken and those seeking advice can receive it upon request.

Reader participation is not required but if you don't participate, it will be frowned upon.