Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is

Okay, So to preface this, the writing you may or may not see for the next 30 days is part of this exercise to get me writing more. Specifically on random (does the fact that I said specific and random so close to each other make any sense?)topics without preparation of any kind to see what happens. For reading pleasure I will try as hard as I can to make a funny or two.

Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is

Day 01 - My current relationship is a lack thereof... with other people that is. I engage in relations with myself a couple times per day. It's a great time. I'm always happy to see me. But seriously, my relationship status is single. It has been that way for a while. It is hard to say whether or not I am single because I suck at talking to women, which I do, or whether or not I'm just terrible at picking up on social cues from women. After typing that I may realize that it is perhaps a combination of both.

When talking to women especially to a new LAIDEE (if you didn't read that as if Jerry Lewis said it, go back and read it again accordingly), I really don't know what to say. I mean, aside from the polite "hello, how are you?" bullshit, I'm not sure what to say. For the most part I'm trying really hard not to say "I want to do you." Mainly because I'm sure that wouldn't work and I'm constantly trying too hard not to come across as a creep. That in itself may be creepy but whatever. So I feel like the less that I say, the better. But, that leaves me to seem uninteresting, which is something to avoid too. Who wants to even know someone that is uninteresting, you know? So aside from the polite "hi and bye" shit, my mind thinks of something Larry Davidesque about the current situation, which ends up being less creepy than "I want to do you" but stranger than nothing at all. An example of a Larry Davidesque comment to be made would be like "Ever notice that no matter how many napkins a restaurant gives you it's never enough?" or some stupid like that. To which there is no reply. It's a time like that I wish I could hear the other person's thoughts. I'm sure they are nothing short of hilarious. I'm also not one to talk about myself really. I think if you are a person that just goes on and on firing off your facecanon about what your favorite thing about yourself is or what you would do with a billion dollars, then you need to cut the ish. Nobody could ever be that interested in what you have to say. So, I avoid being too self absorbed as well.

So getting back on track let's discuss social cues. Touching. I'm not really a touchy type of guy. I enjoy my personal space, especially the elbow room. If anyone is touching me even in the slightest way I find it odd, well unless it's business time. In that case it's awesome and I say bring it on. But outside of that context, I find it off putting. Mainly because like I already said, I like my space, but I also find it a pompous thing to do. Maybe I didn't use the right word there. I don't know perfectly what pompous means, but I think people that just walk up and put an arm around you or grab your arm while telling you a story are taking too much liberty. What makes them think they can go around touching? I think if I ever pulled that I'd be in maced and cuffed in no time at all. Also, general talking. I'm never sure if someone is being polite or if they are actually interested. If a woman that I know gives a cheerful greeting, I'm not sure if it is just politeness or out of interest. Most of the time, I assume its politeness. I try not to make any amount of attention that I get from a LAIDEE (Jerry Lewis style, you should remember this if you are going to be reading other posts) a big deal. I feel like a creep would only do that. Again, avoiding the life of a creep. <--Should be my campaign slogan.

I'm going to throw in that I hardly ever meet anyone new. The pool of women that I know are just people that I know. Since they are who they are, people that I know, (I am Dr. Suess, cats out the bag) they have no longer become an option to pursue, at least that's they way I feel it should be. You can't know someone for years and then all of a sudden "Hey, let's go on a date" (or whatever the kids say these days). And if you meet a LAIDEE from friends I feel like its somewhat of a incestuous pursuit because they are part of the friends group. If I go to a bar, I will more than likely not go up to a LAIDEE (getting tired of this yet?) mainly because I fear the inevitable rejection. I mean, how awesome of an approach could I possibly make? (Revisit my inability to talk to women) There is something not so genuine about approaching a woman at a - anywhere really, location doesn't matter. Let's say for instance there is an attractive LAIDEE in the bar, her friend walks away and so you step up and complement her cowboy boots and matching silly hat, whether or not you are sincere or totally lying, your end game is getting into her cowboy pants (Booya). So, what's the deal? If a LAIDEE is reading this until now, could you please respond with your input on that? Like, I have to imagine, as a LAIDEE, you know all guys want to do you all of the time. So any interaction with a guy is this dance of obsurdity and about hiding the fact the he wants to do sex to you. What's the other side to this?

Have I exhausted all aspects of my singleness? For now, yes. I'd talk about online dating, but I'd be running into my stand up material, and I think it's cheap to force comedic material into conversation or writing. I feel guilty not giving you my all on the first day, but I should pace myself. It's going to be a long month.

So, for now, live slow and die hard.
Ross